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    dots Submission Name: he touchesdots

    Author: Jeniffer
    ASL Info:    18/f/earth
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 240/279/81
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 698
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 317


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshe touchesdots

    He touches upon chivalry
    and i am charmed

    he touches, every now and then
    as though I were dear and delicate

    he touches softly,
    and yet I've noticed
    what he notices,
    have glimpsed an uncensored desire

    and I want to be bruised by it

    Submitted on 2011-11-09 23:28:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like the movement from touches softly to the "i want to be bruised by it" ---sometimes an "it" necessarily slips into a piece...and "it" does fit here...

    i like all of this except the feeling of needing some kind of closure...by that i mean the "touches" used in first three stanzas and then abandoned...wanted to see it come back towards the end of the poem--there is such emphasis of the touch and then the wanting of the bruises..but the touch idea is repetition that really works until it is just dropped..and the ending as effective as the wording might be needs to revisit the "touch" to give the poem symmetry.

    in fact the more i look at the poem i feel the "bruised" line might be the perfect place to end it...the last stanza seems like window dressing...almost like part of another poem.

    just thoughts

    some good stuff in there...

    | Posted on 2011-11-10 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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