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    dots Submission Name: Soliloquy dots

    Author: monad
    ASL Info:    64/M/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1087/407/116
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Prose/Comedy
    Total Views: 579
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 651

       So much for studying martial arts . Carousel ceaselessly ceremony chaos character charisma but guidon guile resembles genocidal xenophobia much as I'd prefer it represented something else anchored equilibration . Something sagaciously sequacious perhaps .

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoliloquy dots

    You haberdashery hauberk harangue of a hornswoggling hiatus . Your arrogantly delusory blasphemous dementia of odiously ominous diabolically grotesque gives me a decadent distraughtness of desultory debauchery and ghastly gnarly abysmal abjections . It causes hysterical deliriums of maniacally macabre . My swashbuckling surreptitious spatiotemporal telemetry tactician is tacitly inured in a phantasmagoria fantastication of fabulist facade fantasias . I could positively kithe a futurity cudgel phantasm and bonkers bluster boggle with your frenetically frenzied phrenic and forget my phyletic you preterite rendition autonomy equilibrist .

    Submitted on 2011-11-15 04:30:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This piece needs work.

    It is true that you can personify "haberdashery" and "hiatus". It is true that you can say that someone is a "bad trip" or that someone was/is a "distraction". So yes, I guess you can say that they are a "shop that deals in small wares, or men's wear" or whatever. But why not just say they are a haberdasher? My point is, the personifications here don't seem to add to the piece.

    I have "translated" the first sentence here to illustrate just how much work it needs:

    You store that sells small wares,long sleeved protective tunic, to criticize of a to get the better of (someone) by cheating or deception vacation.

    As you can see, the subject-verb agreement is way off, you use adjectives in place of nouns etc.

    Also, the piece, on the whole, just seems bombastic. It's as if you just wanted to see how many "big words" you could string together. I feel that I have a pretty broad vocabulary, and I counted at least 5 words I had to look up, at least to be sure of their meanings. It become tedious. This piece then becomes tedious. By the time I came to the word " phantasmagoria", for example, I didn't even care what it meant.

    My advice to you (albeit, perhaps, unsolicited): The perfect word is often something simple. Or at least something that stands on its own. Or at least something that is in the proper form (person vs. place etc.).

    What I'm trying to say is that, sure, we all have access to dictionaries, and thesauruses. Especially these days, when they are at our fingertips online.
    But if every other word has to be investigated . . . the poetry becomes too labor intensive with not enough of a pay-off for people to bother. Especially if the first sentence comes off as nonsensical.

    For poetry to work (not just for me, but people in general, I think--and that's why no one has commented on this) it needs to be accessible. In other words, it needs to speak to you, not at you. And it needs to follow some rules. Even if they are internal rules. They need to be consistent.

    The other point, and this is the big one, is that after "cracking the code" on here, the message seemed essentially just to say, "I don't like how you think, but I like you".

    Actually, more specifically (although, like I said, you mix up adjectives, nouns and verbs through-out), is something more like:

    You are petty and you protect yourself from the world. you lie and cheat. you are a trip. your insanity bothers me. it causes me to have bad thoughts. my adventurous sneaky ways trained in a fantasy world of lies are lies. I could positively prove a future event (and) stick-hit a ghost and go crazy with your anxiously frenzied mind and forget my evolutionary history;you past rendition independent tight rope walker.

    I'm just saying . . . why? Why should we care about ciphering through all that, just to end up with something akin to someone stomping their foot and saying "no", and then saying, "well, but maybe because actually I think I'm kind of into you"?

    Ugh! This has pissed me off. Sorry.
    | Posted on 2011-12-07 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]

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