Revisiting my Favorites (the ones that still exist) and realized I didn't leave thoughts on this which is strange because I remember it clearly
but theres still a few hours before dawn
and a new pots brewing
makes me think of my own diner across the street behind my house called Berny's In. It closed some years back and I still miss the joint. It was dark and shadey but the food was good, coffee strong and the privacy grand and inspiring. Amazing how a place can hold more comforts the. Your own home at times...
Anyhoo... This piece is comforting like those places. Gives the reader a way to relate into their own little nook of serenity. Yep, Lovely like a hot cup, full pack & head bursting with wonder!
i used to have a 'diner' of my own... though here we dont have diners... my place was Starmart... a 24/7 convenience store... i never sleep so i used to walk into town (about an hour away) and sit and have ice slushies with the boy who worked there... i really like this write... it kinda contains a bit of middle of the night insanities... theres 2 new questions for every answer but morning is still a while off yet... i like it... cool idea! and the consistency of smoke rings... very deep contemplations for 4am... this is very good and i liked the end... kinda had the "cheers" theme song 'where everyone knows your name' feel but knowing names is never enough...
i really like this.. i haven't found my "diner" i've been pounding the streets of boston for near 10 years looking for it. i need a new city maybe. this read to me like a self-portrait... i could see you writing on the back of a guest check with a pen you borrowed from the register. i wish i had a home like that.
I think you have some really good ideas in this piece(I realize you list this as random ideas, but I think you have the makings of a good poem). I have to say, I think you have some tense agreement problems. First you say "There is" and then "I sat" I think you should either keep it present or past tense or find some way of flowing better between the two. The repetition of "As I sat" is distracting to me, and I don't really think it adds anything (just my opinion). 2nd stanza could be stronger. Maybe you could rephrase it. I love the line "comfort in an egg sandwich" although I think you should make it- comfort in egg sandwiches. I think the last line is interesting, but I'm not sure how well it connects to what you've written. All that being said, I really enjoyed reading this. It makes me think of my favorite diners/cafe's and inspires me.
first off.. great title.. instantly made me want to read the poem. it's perfect because it's specific, it's intimate, and it's interesting.
the poem itself.. i love the straightforward tone of voice you use here. there's no beating around the bush. you say what you want in a simple way that is accessible and it makes me able to identify with the experiences instantly. i loved the lines 'comfort in a cup of coffee / countless cigarettes and sunrises'.. i read that and thought.. YES.. i know exactly what he means.
my only suggestion would be.. you've used the word pondering twice.. maybe avoid the reptition?
and the last two lines are great.. it's like you undercut everything you've just set up. you give us this full desscription of how this is the place that you go to think and so much of who you are or who you think you are is in this place.. but then by saying "but to know me / You'll have to look else where".. it's like you're making the diner your own private sanctuary. a place where you yourself arent readily accessible.
Nitpicky stuff first: first line, I think you meant "Diners" as in the plural form of "Diner." And stanza 4 line 2, "consitenceyy" is spelled "consistency." That looks like a typo though.
I like this piece. It's significantly different from your normal stuff for one major reason. It's extremely down to earth. Its honest and real. Very real. Someone can read this and relate. I particularly liked the line "comfort in an egg sandwich." It's so true. My only gripe is that I feel like you tacked on an extra stanza. The very last stanza not only doesn't seem to follow the flow of the rest of the piece, it feels unnecessary, and putting it at the end causes that to make it take something away from the overall quality I think. I get the impression that you finished and then needed to conclude. If that's the case, then I would say drop it, because a piece should always end when you finish it. If that's not the case and the end is the clincher that you were going for, then I think it needs to be reworked a bit, and I'm not quite sure how. However, up until those last four lines I was thoroughly impressed. Good stuff.
i really like your style of writting! i love how your said "as i sat at home" but hten you reflect those last two sentences in that stanza with "as i sat in school, as i sat in the Delphi Diner". increadibly unique. personal. yet pieces of intellect. great job!