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Poetry in a bottle

Author: Temidayo
ASL Info:    29 male Nigeria-lagos
Elite Ratio:    8 - 161 /40 /20
Words: 214
Class/Type: Poetry /Nature
Total Views: 1120
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1226


Well this is an opportunity for poets to choose between two works on the same theme,but wit slight tweaks. Lets have all opinions or critics. Then possibly suggest a title.

Poetry in a bottle

I was birthed in a rush,
i must hurry,
rise i must
to the surface to burst.
U see when the bottle tips beer into this vessel the race has begun.
We all shoot for a breather,a s we froth together,
in much haste we brim over
I was born a bubble,hav e a natural fear of colliding with others thus I dodge trouble mummy says i am an escapist, whatever that means. I escape thats what I do

We are all candidates of the Pour for its the tipping point
when the open bottle neck is at a lower altitude to the base.
We come in a rush the golden gush.
The bubble republic at its full glory! Everyone in a fizzy state.
We defy the downer you call
gravity as we start our surface race.
It hard to say what I love the most;the cheer of spectators on the bystands-perched on the inner walls of the glass vessel or the adrenal push of tiny bubbles shootin upwards to surface break.
Our frenzy reaches a climax when we break the threshold!
Berth the surface,popping in air!
Mother must have told me a hundred things saying I am an escapist and being born for this is most definately true.

Submitted on 2011-11-16 06:01:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Hey, sorry it took so long, I've been busy.

I really like this. Honestly. It's a nice theme and the language is really fun and goes along nicely. This idea of life being a race...sometimes it truly does feel that way. We want to escape off the track and have a breather. I guess that is what poetry does for me. Probably you too.
| Posted on 2011-11-18 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very fresh idea at least to my experience and it was refreshing and entertaining. For some reason now I'm thirsty.
| Posted on 2011-11-18 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
  in first piece...i would combine third and fourth line..."rise to the surface to burst"

gets rid of the second "must"....and after the "with others" line

i would then use the last three lines from the second piece as your ending.

just thoughts.

| Posted on 2011-11-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  i imagined what happens when you shake a bottle of coke or beer very hard and then you see the foam or the bubbles rush up, pushing hard against the cork...trying to burst out. then when you open up the bottle...there's no stopping spills over.

well, that sounds like poetry wanting to break free out of a writer to me.

you can restructure it so it flows more freely. and i don't know if grammar really matters in poetry but there are a few errors...very minute though so you can read it over again and polish it up.
well done.
| Posted on 2011-11-17 00:00:00 | by Amma | [ Reply to This ]
  i feel the first piece extends the metaphor more strongly and clearly.

"we froth together" is a good line...

but i like the last two lines of the second piece as a closer much better than the ending of the first piece.
| Posted on 2011-11-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  This was very well written. The flow is choppy, but didn't distract from the poem too much. It has fantastic imagery, though it is very vague.
I like how you sew words together.

Keep up the good work and I'll keep reading.

| Posted on 2011-11-16 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]

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