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    dots Submission Name: Everything.... and... Beyonddots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/380
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Fanfic/Passion
    Total Views: 381
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1241

       I sent this to a friend in a text message one of my rants one night while working during a point in my life where everything around me is falling apart and I cannot seem to juggle it all anymore... :-(

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEverything.... and... Beyonddots

    I just wish I could Run,
    Run far, far away.
    I wish if I actually did this
    I could truthfully say that Id never look back.
    But I know I would.

    I long to grab a hold of happiness whatever that may be.
    Take what I rightfully deserve,
    no no not material objects,

    Instead of those made up memories with the fake parents I always longed to have.
    Envision the birthday parties I never experienced as a child...
    Be the Daddy's little girl I never got to be.
    I wish to forever erase those memories of him walking into my room, touching me..
    I want to take back those drug invested nights...

    I hate being me, and the feelings I feel
    I hate the way others look at me, and feel they have the right to poke fun at my slim frame because they do not have one.

    Most of all..
    I wish with everything I have that when I fall asleep in the morning I will not wake up!
    I never want to see the sun.. EVER AGAIN
    ... But I will awaken and I will see my kryptonite buried deep beyond those clouds..
    And for these feelings will eventually subside..
    Until another night like this one...

    Submitted on 2011-11-18 06:13:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      For years I had a fantasy where I would somehow save up my blood (in vials or whatever) then one night tell my husband I was going to the grocery store, splatter the blood all over the car and run away. Sometimes it would be me taking a bus (paying cash for the ticket) or sometimes it would be me running away with a young lover. . . it was always really just about me running away (and watching too many crime shows).

    Like you, I never could. I have kids, for one thing. But for another. . . there were people, and places and even some things that made me WANT to stay. Plus . . . I knew wherever I ended up, there I'd be looking myself in the mirror. You can't escape being you, no matter how far you run. But in the end, you may just discover (as I have) that that is actually a GOOD thing!

    And yes, I think it's good to remember that this feeling comes and goes. It's true it will probably come again . . . but then it will GO again, too. Sometimes it's all about waiting it out.

    I am sorry you were molested. Nothing can take that kind of pain away. It was a very brave thing to write about. You are braver, and stronger than you think. And, as I've said before--for any abuse victim-- the best "revenge" is to heal and to learn to thrive in spite of it.

    That's the best I've got for you at 8am on a Saturday. Except . . . I hope today is a day those wrenching feelings are gone again.

    | Posted on 2011-12-03 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      this made me shutter...literally.
    | Posted on 2011-12-02 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      God , this is positively gut wrenching . How bad I could love to see your imagination's immaturities bring you some joy at sunrise . I say try to be happy your cognitive abilities are still intact , try to find joy in the respectability of your identity and the beauties of your empathy . People are not all bad , and most of us have redeeming qualities . Try to love yourself and you will find the joys of loving others . I would swear it's a worthwhile venture . I'm sorry if this doesn't help but I just had to say something .

    PS: as for the kryptonite I'm afraid I can demonic denizens relate . Trust in the sanctity of humanitarian instinct .
    | Posted on 2011-11-18 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]

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