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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If By Chancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 442
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 716



    Description:
       not done raw raw raw


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf By Chancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    steps patenting roads, like fingerprints in a large pregnant mass of substance

    I wonder what the wind would be saying if it spoke like the thousands of people speak everyday
    with cloudy minds and troubled skies
    shining out of my brothers eyes
    I want to see a clear window of
    oppurtunity

    God be with me today,
    Let me see the oppurunity not the trial
    a chance rather than bad luck

    and from my dreams last night where monsters dressed like demons clothed in taunting figurines
    they looked like my friends
    but I am discerning my reaction to their action and I am deciding to plant my feet in the fertile soil




    Submitted on 2011-11-18 09:08:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this poem a lot at the beginning. I especially love the lines:

    "I wonder what the wind would be saying if it spoke like the thousands of people speak everyday
    with cloudy minds and troubled skies
    shining out of my brothers' eyes"

    It's only the last stanza I have trouble with. Maybe I'm just dense but I was especially confused by the use of monsters, demons and figurines all at once:

    "and from my dreams last night where monsters dressed like demons clothed in taunting figurines"

    I hope you don't mind but I played with it a little (you said it was raw so I thought this might help tighten it up or at least inspire somehow--apologies in advance if I've overstepped boundaries). I thought something more like this:

    and from my dreams last night where demons
    clothed like taunting figurines
    looked like my friends
    I resolve to discern my reaction from their actions
    and plant my feet in fertile soil

    But maybe that doesn't work at all. I don't know. It's obviously your vision. It's just a bit murky for me as you have it. Maybe if you picked a different word than "figurines" or explained what kind of figurines they are?

    Anyway, what do I know? These are all just thoughts. I hope I haven't offended you at all. I really enjoy your work.
    | Posted on 2011-11-30 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely written I enjoy all the metaphores (can't spell) as well as how detailed you wrote I saw it all as I read only wish it was longer! This is a great post

    Jackz
    | Posted on 2011-11-23 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice one :)

    Been some time since I've read something.

    I loved these lines very much:

    God be with me today,
    Let me see the oppurunity not the trial
    a chance rather than bad luck

    Cheers :)
    Absolutely Lost
    | Posted on 2011-11-22 00:00:00 | by AbsolutelyLost | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, what a first line....

    i want to plant my feet and face life...not be afraid....

    i think we start out that way...then life throws curves at us...and we get hit..and flinch from then on...always expecting life to come in high and tight...and knock us down...rather than feeling that "caution to the wind" frame of mind that we can swing away.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-11-20 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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