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    dots Submission Name: Mincing a Heart Wrapped in Chainsdots

    Author: xxalpal4everzxx
    ASL Info:    13/F/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    2.73 - 10/26/19
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 476
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 746


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    dotsMincing a Heart Wrapped in Chainsdots

    The light shown through likes a thousand stars,
    I got up off my cot and walked straight to the bars,
    The summer days were peddling by,
    Yet the cold was still so bitterly shy,
    The chains on my ankles numbed them like ice,
    Condemned here from fates roll of cruel dice,
    I write your name all over this cell wall,
    Remember when you would watch me fall,
    You used to pick me up and make me all better,
    You warmed my love for you like a knitted sweater,
    Yet I betrayed you and the drinks haunted me,
    That was a part of my life that I never wished youd see,
    But even as I rot here and think about you,
    I just wish youd know that I still love you too.

    Submitted on 2011-11-20 18:02:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the title and the ending is quite powerful too. Yet, I feel that the rhyme scheme seems somehow detrimental to the message by obstructing the way one shall grasp this naturally, to put it that way. Additionally, the choice of words appears to hinder the flow particularly in the first half. In my book, there's also a problem with line seven. This doesn't make much sense, or it does to some extent but appears to have been forced in favour of the rhyme scheme chosen so I would recommend to re-write it.

    You could also try to let your emotions run free without having to frame them with rhyme especially if you are writing solely to make words rhyme, no offense intended of course for I'm saying this in the nicest possible way.

    Keep posting :)
    Wishing you well,

    Ethan Brody

    | Posted on 2011-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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