Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: This Nasty...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Ceyx
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 111/107/81
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 311
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1507



    Description:
       -Found this in a Word document I'm using for editing videos... figured I may as well post it here.
    It's from, at least, two years ago now...
    Apparently I'd just watched Die unendliche Geschichte and had the story of Persephone on my mind...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThis Nasty...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The center is Nothing.

    Emptiness; The Hollow.
    -We don't talk of the nasty...

    The chariot arches o'er the void
    "Out!" cries The Oracle at The Temple of Apollo
    And now damp Spring
    -The tolling ring
    She is once more among us
    She will not eat
    She's incomplete
    The very water drawn from the well shall remind her of her Hel
    So cold an blue,
    My hand passes through and come the snow...
    gone once more.

    (I can't help but imagine the nasty.)

    Surely, a feast in your honor awaits once-
    "-Whore!"
                knuckles shatter 'gainst the door
    My insides tremble as I fall to the-

    This plant is dead
    It's colour gone.
    Can't help it but to think of wrongs
    -Life is not living when worries are wrought
    -This is no freedom for freedoms form naughts
    -Faster and FASTER, Life calls out: "Disaster!" and...

    I'll go back.

    And I'll wait.

    (for the seasons to change)

    And for as long as I bleed I will not acknowledge the unseen.




    Submitted on 2011-12-05 08:21:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a very phonetically pleasant poem. In the way that whore fills out the right sound of more, and how floor seems present in spite of being all but. I have to admit that I am pretty impressed in that regard with this piece (I feel like it is something often too ignored by writers). In the way of constructive criticism I would only have this to say:
    Can't help it but to think of wrongs
    I feel like the middle part of this verse kind of chokes up. Maybe it's just how I am reading it (as that can often be the case with things like this).

    I also appreciate that this "Nothing" or center, or what appears to be the nasty, is not really described in a categorical fashion (as in, with labels, and broad definers). I am personally a fan of postmodern literature like "No exit" or "The Trial", and in a similar fashion, this reads like an ostensibly meaningful lack of definitiveness. I just feel like, the last line namingly, doesn't give enough form to the pursuit of this nothing (not so much the why as, per se, the forcefulness of the indefinite; it isn't forceful enough).

    But I also realize the piece is, as you said, old. For what it's worth I actually enjoyed it.

    Marc.
    | Posted on 2011-12-11 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193476

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry