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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Even The Fish Are Gonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 199
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 504



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEven The Fish Are Gonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Even The Fish Are Gone

    Must I cup my pain out to you
    like some clear water
    from a stream?

    Must you drink of me?
    Wet your lips on my
    grief?

    How can I sustain you?

    I am at the end of my run.

    Can't you feel the rocks
    jutting up from my shallows?

    I am not a well.

    There will be no more
    from me once I dry up.

    There is nowhere deeper to dig.




    Submitted on 2011-12-08 00:37:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You've gotten great feedback on this already and I would likely repeat much that has already been said, but I do want to comment on the order of the last few lines:

    I am not a well.

    There will be no more
    from me once I dry up.

    There is nowhere deeper to dig.

    I strongly feel that the middle part is an interruption in the perfect fit between the "I am not well" and "There is nowhere deeper to dig".

    Either completely delete "There will be no more from me once I dry up", or move it to come before "I am not a well" would be my advice.

    I do love that ending.
    cheers,
    Chris
    | Posted on 2011-12-10 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      Reminds me of quote from a song. "Well, I will be alright. Just use me."
    It's sort of instigating some sort of relationship based on an inevitable ending.
    "How can I sustain you?"
    What a question...I've always been the asker, as you are here. But time to time I like to answer the question.
    The answer is: I can't.
    Some people have a nature that is similar to an animals thirst for water.
    And it's not like eating a fish and being full. It's getting a sip and wanting more.
    How can I sustain you? Well I can't and I won't even try; but please drink me dry.
    I wish I could say that there is something under the surface of this river that will quench your thirst forever, but that would be a lie. The fish are gone; I'm at the end of my existence. Please drink me before I dry up.

    It begs another question: Who's losing more here?

    I really enjoyed this analogy, as well. I hope I didn't stray too far away from it's intended meaning, because I quite liked this, Jane.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-12-08 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not really a fan of 'question poems', but beyond that personal stylistic bias this is quite good. The imagery in that first stanza is pretty dang effective. You can see the plaintive offering-up. And that last line is beautifully concise.

    'I am at the end of my run' is the only line I don't really click with. Unless there's something I'm missing, it's a break from the water allegory. Plus, it seems to be the same sentiment as the last line, only less interesting. But at the same time, it fits the flow of the poem. So, uh. I don't really know what my reaction is, I guess. I like it and I don't like it. How's that for useful?

    In any case, this is a short-but-sweet glance into the speaker. There's a lot of voice and sub-story, and I really appreciate that.
    | Posted on 2011-12-08 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
      Jane, the first line about cupping out your pain is strong and explains the lines that follow. Always giving to someone who is always taking can leave you feeling empty. The rocks jutting up makes me experience the rawness of the degrading relation. What will the end be? Will the taker change so your spirit and the relation repair? Must it end so you can again replenish your waters before you are forever dry? Will it continue, for whatever reason? You offer no answer, but the poem is better without the answer. - Jim
    | Posted on 2011-12-08 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      except for the line "Can't you see the clay forming?"

    i really like this piece...i like the analogy of the stream and then the well...the drying up...nowhere deeper to dig...nothing left, not even the fish...

    you take and take and take from me...

    this really clicks for me...except that one line that just feels like an interruption to the thread...but that's just me....one reader.

    just thoughts...


    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-12-08 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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