Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reflections At Day's Enddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 517
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 551



    Description:
       Believe I have something here but could really use some help. Thanks in advance to anyone who comments:) P.S. It's supposed to be centered and formatted, but I have yet to figure out how...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReflections At Day's Enddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I learned today
    that weathered paint has a smell.

    It is earth and sun and shifts of rain
    distilled to haunting. It is quiet snow.

    It is the breath of those who walked between
    these walls, the faded vibration of their footsteps.
    It is the ghosts I travel through unknowing.


    Now I lie awake, listening to the trees outside the window
    as they shake with storm, flatten against the walls, scrape against the panes.
    Does everything become like wind?




    Submitted on 2011-12-10 16:42:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I absolutely disagree with jacob on the storm line. I think 'shake with storm' is the best line in this whole piece. And I maintain that the articles before walls and panes are appropriate, because you are talking about specific trees (those outside the window), not trees in general.

    Uhhh I couldn't figure out how to critique this properly so I rewrote sections of it and changed line breaks to better suit my own personal preferences. Take it with a huge barrel of salt, or ignore it entirely if you're not interested in things like this.



    I learned today
    the smell of weathered paint:

    earth, sun. Shifts of rain
    distilled to haunting. It is quiet snow.

    The half-lingering breath, the ghosts
    I travel through unknowing.

    Now I lie awake, listening to the trees
    shake with storm, flatten like a palm
    against the walls, scrape against the panes.
    Does everything become like wind?



    Though if this were truly my poem, I would end it as 'Everything becomes as wind.' Mainly because I don't like question-endings. But uh yeah. I have no idea if this is helpful or not, sorry if it isn't. I did like this poem, I think it's got a nice feel and voice to it. The closing thought is a bit of a shocker, and that's lovely. It socks you straight in the face and doesn't apologize.
    | Posted on 2011-12-11 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
      a wind is here and then it is gone..it disturbs slightly or with much force, just like our lives.

    the ghosts we live through and after...trying to live up to ones who came before us...haunted maybe by what we fail to accomplish....

    we hope to have some effect with our existence...

    my help won't be much..because i just love this piece...short and sweet and says it all in nice tight fashion..in the "shake" line....i would put a "the" before storm...or better yet, leave the next two "the's" out altogether...

    "shake with storm, flatten against walls, scrape against panes"

    and those last two parts could be conceived in a collective sense...against all the walls i come up against in life...all the pain i suffer.

    this is so good, erin.

    "weathered paint"

    you have a unique voice..and it is so natural.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-12-10 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193552

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    mimicry written by expiring_touch

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry