Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shiverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 417
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 854



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShiverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shiver

    I stand under the cold December sky
    and think of the stars it takes to make something like this
    with the moon glowing high above the mountains
    peaking down on the
    trees that glitter at their frosted tips

    I wiggle my toes on
    the crunchy earth below my feet
    watch the sparkle as the moon reflects
    on dead grass and dead leaves
    coated with stars and cold
    and there is no denying its beauty

    and yet . . .

    death is not more alive this way
    it is as if the funeral director has
    merely painted the face of death
    painted the faith of the dead

    with luster dust

    death
    and December

    they are such cold things

    how could I do anything but shiver?




    Submitted on 2011-12-12 00:20:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I relate with the beauty expressed of the winter night and the crisp feelings. Taking it to a comparison with a mortuary kind of scene seems more of a stark tangent than any kind of parallel. (Opinions being what they are... take it with a grain of salt which also sparkles as described.) Very beautiful discriptions are made in the first two stanzas.

    Although both December and death may be cold I personally refuse to take winter as a death kind of thing considering the delightful cold and steaming breaths as opposed to the alternative stiffling no breaths at all. Perhaps death is moreso like Winter in that it is a transition thing, a time for rebirth, just a quiet pause to be followed by a Spring of some sort. Besides, my birthday is 12/21 so doubtless I'm biased in this matter.

    | Posted on 2011-12-13 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Is it really the "faith" of the dead or is it supposed to be the "fate" of the dead?

    I think you have something going here. The first two stanzas are a good way to coil for the strike of the finish. Both are simple but at the same time engaging. They are well written due to your level of composure.

    In my opinion though, I think that the finish lacked something. I'm not saying this to be mean or anything. I just think that it could've been better considering the first two stanzas. The bluntness of the finish seemed to have taken the magic away--more like telling us how you feel instead of making us feel it. Plus, it makes it blatantly finite. No souvenir for the reader.

    This is not absolute though. Just my preference, I guess. Nothing personal.
    | Posted on 2011-12-13 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I smiled when you wiggled your toes in the vastness of the picture you are painting. Your shivering at the end again makes it personal and human. Great work Jane. - Jim
    | Posted on 2011-12-13 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      stars and cold, stars and cold...

    brightness mixed with bitterness...

    life is like that...

    the funeral director paints the face of death...interesting concept..the faith of the dead...

    nice analogy and timing with christmas coming..

    warmth of spirit during a cold time...and wonderment..will the spirit be warmed after death?
    what's next---will we crunch our toes into comfortable snow in heaven? if it exists...

    sometimes a shiver feels good...this Shiver reads "good"!
    | Posted on 2011-12-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      this chills me to the bone. not a fan of the weather.
    | Posted on 2011-12-12 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193581

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry