Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love - Praisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 759
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove - Praisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    my soul is everflowing,
    and growing,
    molding

    attatchments bend and break and some remove themselves completely making room for the purest form of communication

    my stature is steadied,
    my heart pounds less and less
    troubled waters are forgotten dreams
    replaced by woods and trees and forrests of green

    Amber horizons over tickled pink suns
    wake me in the mourning
    warm me as I gather myself from sleep

    Devoted Love,
    Thank You
    MY heart has been swallowed by your sentient
    waves of light
    You touch my blind eyes
    and season them with life
    My crippled legs step forward on your narrow path

    No valley will catch my journey
    No mountain will frighten me with altitude
    I will float
    and sing
    with Lovers melody




    Submitted on 2011-12-14 11:01:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an interesting piece in that at first glance it seems a simple love letter, but tiny details give it the hope of being a bit more than that.

    For instance, I like "wake me in the mourning". I hope it was intentional. That somehow this new love wakes the speaker from grief. Stops her from sleeping through life.

    I also like the lines:

    "replaced by woods and trees and forests of green"

    and

    "No mountain will frighten me with altitude"

    Some things that didn't quite work for me are:

    "troubled waters are forgotten dreams"

    It just made me think of Simon & Garfunkel.

    Also, the bit about the seasoned eyes. I wanted to like it but it just made me think of either old eyes or eyes getting salt and other stinging spices poured into them. That would be great if it were in theme. But that doesn't seem to be where you wanted to go.

    I'm also not a fan of the caps on different words and phrases, like "Devoted Love" and "Thank You" and "Lovers". And I don't get why "MY" is all in caps.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is something here, but it needs to be more fully honed to have real impact. It doesn't really resonate as authentic or new or important enough just yet. At least not for me.

    Like I said though, I think there is the beginning of something here. Some good lines.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-12-21 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193612

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Azores written by poetotoe
    Carry written by saartha
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    AI written by poetotoe
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Love written by saartha
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cover written by saartha
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Every..... written by jackz
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry