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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love - Praisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       


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    dotsLove - Praisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    my soul is everflowing,
    and growing,
    molding

    attatchments bend and break and some remove themselves completely making room for the purest form of communication

    my stature is steadied,
    my heart pounds less and less
    troubled waters are forgotten dreams
    replaced by woods and trees and forrests of green

    Amber horizons over tickled pink suns
    wake me in the mourning
    warm me as I gather myself from sleep

    Devoted Love,
    Thank You
    MY heart has been swallowed by your sentient
    waves of light
    You touch my blind eyes
    and season them with life
    My crippled legs step forward on your narrow path

    No valley will catch my journey
    No mountain will frighten me with altitude
    I will float
    and sing
    with Lovers melody




    Submitted on 2011-12-14 11:01:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is an interesting piece in that at first glance it seems a simple love letter, but tiny details give it the hope of being a bit more than that.

    For instance, I like "wake me in the mourning". I hope it was intentional. That somehow this new love wakes the speaker from grief. Stops her from sleeping through life.

    I also like the lines:

    "replaced by woods and trees and forests of green"

    and

    "No mountain will frighten me with altitude"

    Some things that didn't quite work for me are:

    "troubled waters are forgotten dreams"

    It just made me think of Simon & Garfunkel.

    Also, the bit about the seasoned eyes. I wanted to like it but it just made me think of either old eyes or eyes getting salt and other stinging spices poured into them. That would be great if it were in theme. But that doesn't seem to be where you wanted to go.

    I'm also not a fan of the caps on different words and phrases, like "Devoted Love" and "Thank You" and "Lovers". And I don't get why "MY" is all in caps.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is something here, but it needs to be more fully honed to have real impact. It doesn't really resonate as authentic or new or important enough just yet. At least not for me.

    Like I said though, I think there is the beginning of something here. Some good lines.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2011-12-21 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]


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