Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fabricdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 533



    Description:
       I find myself stuck on this one... like it is waiting for what awaits me in my attempt at courting the girl I see in these words. Which ever way that goes then I feel the end will come to me.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFabricdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You left a hole
    in the fabric of my life.
    Just below the heart
    your claws caught hold.


    Now hands tremble
    as I try to write this patch
    to keep from unraveling.


    But in the onset of night
    can't shake the feeling
    that's just what I need.


    Time to stand up
    cast the pretense aside.


    And yours is the
    bright light
    I've been searching for.






    Submitted on 2011-12-14 16:23:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I've always liked the metaphor of fabric or sheets. I use it a lot myself.
    I think you should have carried the metaphor throughout the entire poem, not just the first 2 stanzas. I think it would make the poem a whole lot stronger.
    When you strayed from the metaphor it was sort of a turn off.

    I really like what you have in stanza 2. It's the reason I'm commenting.
    It speaks well for the catharsis that is writing. A pen can be a lot like a needle in how we use it to sew our lives back together.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2011-12-15 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193616

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Live In Between written by teika5
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    untitled written by Outlaw
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry