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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Window Edges dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 272
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 696
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1695



    Description:
       [Note: Very rough draft]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWindow Edges dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Someday, the window will open
    and a soft breeze will flow in; you won't mind it.

    Maybe it will be a Monday; you'll be wearing a short-sleeved shirt
    but it'll be okay. "This feels good," you'll remark.

    I'll stand back, attempt to move forward, but step back again;
    as indecisive and awkward as ever.

    You'll turn and smile, and even reach
    a hand out into the wind; more surface area for more happiness.

    It'll be weird to see you smile, but nice;
    I can't remember right now what your smile looks like,
    but I know I used to enjoy it; you were so pretty.

    Maybe on that Monday, you'll smile and close your eyes,
    and move to sit on the edge of the window. You'll look out
    and the smile will fade.

    I sometimes think about why you don't smile anymore;
    I can't tell for sure; there are too many broken puzzle pieces-
    they won't fit to create a scene.

    Maybe on that Monday I will regret not trying harder
    to straighten and smooth out those pieces, trying to maybe
    fill in the blanks with a crayon.

    "Breezes are nice," you'll whisper. "I wish I could feel this way for the rest of my life."
    You'll turn and smile with decisive eyes and I'll try to step across the room.

    Maybe I should work out more, get exercise, improve my reaction time.

    On that Monday, you will take hold of the wind and feel the breeze...
    the entire way down.




    Submitted on 2011-12-15 19:47:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      For a 'very rough draft', this piece feels pretty smooth and complete.

    I love the feel of this piece; using future tense, yet carrying an undeniable feeling of past tense. And what is left? The present. Our present moments tend to linger in the past, reliving past mistakes and filling us with many regrets. This in turn makes us want to change the present so that the past doesn't repeat itself in the future. Just thinking about this kind of thinking sounds mind-boggling, and yet we do it all the time without much difficulty.

    "'Breezes are nice,' you'll whisper. 'I wish I could feel this way for the rest of my life.'"

    Yes, they are very nice. If only every day had gentle breezes...even strong winds can be nice too, strong and wild, energizing, freeing. The wind in general is a lovely thing.

    And then that ending...it sounds both beautiful and painful...accepting death in order to feel the breeze for the 'rest of [her] life', which will end the moment she strikes the ground. At least, that appears to be the most obvious conclusion gathered from the last stanza.

    A very accomplished draft. Kudos.

    -Sorrow
    | Posted on 2011-12-16 00:00:00 | by SorrowWing | [ Reply to This ]


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