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    dots Submission Name: stuck for a momentdots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 585
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 400


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsstuck for a momentdots

    I took a coin from the river and
    placed it on my windowsill to gather up some moon to warm my face,
    it became unpatterned as it dropped to the floor and joined the other pennies sleeping there.

    Let the soil of things invite me in,
    my feet already know the way.
    I will press myself into its eyes as
    I search for coins to decorate each day.


    Submitted on 2011-12-17 07:09:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This almost inspires me to write once again :)

    I'll have to give you an inconsequential comment here considering Blue Monk took you down the right path :)

    So I'll just spray thoughts throughout your comment box while I listen to the few songs I like of the beetles (Come Together)

    To be honest, and I'm more than sure I'm off here, it brings to mind the fairy tales that I love so much. Not the Cinderella kind either. Those morbid lil ones that usually end on a sad but satisfying note (I.E. more realistic to the journey said such subjects go through)

    I like how you write my dear Clayman. You bring more of a poetic instead of angry angst writing that I'm used to seeing. You're a refreshing new outlook for me here :) so thank you.

    Now more towards the poem instead of my silly little rantings. You have a beautiful way of wording things. Usually thoughts and colors combines with emotions can be scattered all over and sound more of a Shakespearean wanna be type "sound". If that even makes sense...

    "I took a coin from the river and
    placed it on my windowsill to gather up some moon to warm my face,"

    This brings to mind of all those times in Alabama when I'd go for walks and gather shiny rocks :) I had a small pile on the table before I left too. I'd walk around rubbing it smooth, almost like a stress reliever though.

    I love the eccentricities of people. They give me hope that will all the strangeness that there is the world, that someday it will all come about to rounding itself out nicely and lead into acceptance instead of ostracizing.

    I probably didn't leave the best of comments, but hey, there ya go :)

    Warm Regards,

    Postscript- If it wasn't for spell check, I think my world would crash down around me.
    | Posted on 2012-01-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish you could know this

    Yes. Me too. I wish I could know. . .

    This is a collection of thoughts much like the little baubles I collect. It is nice to have them all in one box where you can take them out and examine them. See each little piece sparkle and shine.

    I like all of the little coins. They are worth more than you might think.

    | Posted on 2011-12-19 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree with Jacob, as a whole this currently is a little disjointed but has potential.

    creep (into) this collection of bones
    The eye (which sees the) beauty has no voice
    Let (this) soil invite me in,
    your smile (burst) out

    Neat how the initial stanza mentions finding a "coin" which we might expect to have some great value which later becomes just another penny in a pile of pennies.

    I like the title and the work could massage a little more "moment" references in, "time to compress thoughts" kind of stuff.

    | Posted on 2011-12-17 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      there is some nice phrasing in all of this...but two stanzas stuck out for me...and put together i think would make a really good poem of themselves...the first and fifth are a perfect poem...

    and then maybe other parts of this could be used to make another poem or two..

    but those two stanzas seem to me to read so perfectly together...show much but also leave much to the imagination..."let the soil of things" leaves open to what things?

    and actually on rereading the sixth stanza to the end makes another fine poem, separately...

    they go together so well...

    just thoughts...but i do see two different really good poems here, if separated.
    | Posted on 2011-12-17 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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