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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: With onlydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MsUnderstood
    ASL Info:    22/ Female/ Stuart, FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 26/21/22
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 425
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 529



    Description:
       i know its a little choppy and cliché but i wrote it so long ago i dont even know what i was meaning so therefor i dont know how to fix it lol


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWith onlydots
    -------------------------------------------


    With only your scribes
    you caught my eyes

    with only your thoughts
    you had me bought

    with only a letter
    you made me think better

    with only your voice
    I Had made my choice

    with only your face
    made me come back to this place

    with only your eyes
    I could see the skies

    with only your smile
    I could travel a mile

    with only your one and only you
    you made my heart new




    Submitted on 2012-01-01 11:39:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't usually go for pieces that rhyme, but i like this one a lot.

    One suggestion: the line "made me come back to this place" seems a bit long and awkward and throws the meter off. I might replace it with something along the lines of "I returned to this place" or "I'd return to this place"

    I might also eliminate "had" in the previous stanza to simply "I made my choice". Makes it seem more definitive, adding a sense of surety....I also like fewer words to say the same thing...

    Just thoughts.

    Really good piece....

    ~rubie
    | Posted on 2012-01-02 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]


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