[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Poli (working title)dots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 541
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 176

       i literally wrote this in a minute and i was wondering if i may get your thoughts on it. should i develop it more, into a larger piece? should i add another line (the mystery line)? or should i leave it as is? a quirky little ditty that works?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPoli (working title)dots

    I caught a blackbird and
    Dipped it into the ink of evening.

    I plucked its tail feather and
    In the unyielding whiteness of snow scribbled a mystery-

    Submitted on 2012-01-02 03:30:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I have to say, I think this one is near perfect. I agree with the others, I don't think I would expand or change it. I love the whimsy, and the imagery here. It is so strong. The dark ink of night sky juxtaposed with the white of the snow. The bird fluttering away scribbling his own story as he goes. Yes. Lovely.

    If I had to nit pick anything, I would say, "unyielding" might not be the perfect word choice, since, it is implied that the ink does make it yield when the message . . . the mystery. . . is written. But perhaps the idea of it being unyielding makes for the mystery of what is scribbled. Maybe it can't be seen, only in the imagination of one who dreams of catching blackbirds and dipping them in sky.

    Ah, so many words in comment to such a lean piece. That's when you know you've got something good!

    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with Bill about setting pieces aside...coming back to them later.

    but i do have an opinion in this case...and yes, the allusion to the mystery, as
    Bill said..

    to me this is whole....not just a beginning...it paints a picture in one sense, yet leaves much open to imagination...

    i just love it...

    and then, i am such a proponent of "less is more" in poetry, sooooo

    | Posted on 2012-01-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      There is some nice minimalistic imagery here, JP. In some ways this fragment feels like an incomplete introduction to a longer work, but in another sense it seems to fully stand alone as an allusion to the mystery you mention at the end of the write. How do you feel about the image you conjured? What sort of meaning do you gather from it, and could you revise it without changing it so completely that it would no longer reflect what you intended it to be? When you have a choice between doors 1 and 2, it's sometimes best to choose door 3: set it aside and return to it later.

    Just my thoughts, sir.
    | Posted on 2012-01-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    This written by Chelebel
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Push written by JanePlane
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Wavelength written by saartha
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]