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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Poli (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 28
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 541
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 176



    Description:
       i literally wrote this in a minute and i was wondering if i may get your thoughts on it. should i develop it more, into a larger piece? should i add another line (the mystery line)? or should i leave it as is? a quirky little ditty that works?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPoli (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I caught a blackbird and
    Dipped it into the ink of evening.

    I plucked its tail feather and
    In the unyielding whiteness of snow scribbled a mystery-




    Submitted on 2012-01-02 03:30:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have to say, I think this one is near perfect. I agree with the others, I don't think I would expand or change it. I love the whimsy, and the imagery here. It is so strong. The dark ink of night sky juxtaposed with the white of the snow. The bird fluttering away scribbling his own story as he goes. Yes. Lovely.

    If I had to nit pick anything, I would say, "unyielding" might not be the perfect word choice, since, it is implied that the ink does make it yield when the message . . . the mystery. . . is written. But perhaps the idea of it being unyielding makes for the mystery of what is scribbled. Maybe it can't be seen, only in the imagination of one who dreams of catching blackbirds and dipping them in sky.

    Ah, so many words in comment to such a lean piece. That's when you know you've got something good!

    Jane
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with Bill about setting pieces aside...coming back to them later.

    but i do have an opinion in this case...and yes, the allusion to the mystery, as
    Bill said..

    to me this is whole....not just a beginning...it paints a picture in one sense, yet leaves much open to imagination...


    i just love it...

    and then, i am such a proponent of "less is more" in poetry, sooooo

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-01-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      There is some nice minimalistic imagery here, JP. In some ways this fragment feels like an incomplete introduction to a longer work, but in another sense it seems to fully stand alone as an allusion to the mystery you mention at the end of the write. How do you feel about the image you conjured? What sort of meaning do you gather from it, and could you revise it without changing it so completely that it would no longer reflect what you intended it to be? When you have a choice between doors 1 and 2, it's sometimes best to choose door 3: set it aside and return to it later.

    Just my thoughts, sir.
    | Posted on 2012-01-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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