[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Return (working title)dots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 491
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 379

       another quick write per my new year resolution. i will try to write/submit at least 3 poems a week here. like this one, they will be raw, quickly written, a first draft and unpolished.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReturn (working title)dots

    The Barcelonan Sun bathed her face as the
    Chatoyant leaves offered their iridescence
    To her- with a chorus and a flamenco,
    They departed into the recesses of
    Her dreams as a hidden carnation
    Balled in the bud of the earth
    Only to arrive again with
    The Coronation of her

    Submitted on 2012-01-04 16:02:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting last lines,

    Only to arrive again with
    The Coronation of her

    The crowning of her return. It reminds me of birth--and with the word "return" it takes on the idea of rebirth.

    I also like the use of carnation for the same reason.

    "Balled in the bud of the earth" gave me pause. Then I looked up how carnations can be grown from cuttings and how you have to get the cuttings from the main shoots before any flower buds begin to show. Then I was really impressed.

    This whole poem has a very unique bent to it. The only lines that I see that have been used before in a similar way are:

    "They departed into the recesses of
    Her dreams. . ."

    I don't know of a suggestion for a more unique way of saying this. But perhaps you can come up with something.

    This is super stuff, though. Like Jacob says, sometimes the first draft is the best.


    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery and vocabulary here are very dense, which is typical of your longer works. The focus is obviously your last line, but the question is: return to/of what? You've wisely chosen not to explain yourself which shows respect for the reader and allows him/her allows to solve the mystery individually. I don't think you should touch this. It's fine as it is.
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt this was short but powerful. The brightness of the emerging, contrast of saddening departure and ending with hopeful waiting.
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by Dante Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, nice....i think spontaneous is often best...

    i think we often tinker too much with what already works...

    i like the effect of this..and i don't feel it needs to be messed with...

    the ones that blurt out are often best..but sometimes we get it in our heads that the only good poem is one that we revise and revise an revise...and often doing that actually can take the life right out of a piece.

    this is good.

    | Posted on 2012-01-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Records I written by Raphael
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]