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    dots Submission Name: Return (working title)dots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 484
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 379

       another quick write per my new year resolution. i will try to write/submit at least 3 poems a week here. like this one, they will be raw, quickly written, a first draft and unpolished.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReturn (working title)dots

    The Barcelonan Sun bathed her face as the
    Chatoyant leaves offered their iridescence
    To her- with a chorus and a flamenco,
    They departed into the recesses of
    Her dreams as a hidden carnation
    Balled in the bud of the earth
    Only to arrive again with
    The Coronation of her

    Submitted on 2012-01-04 16:02:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting last lines,

    Only to arrive again with
    The Coronation of her

    The crowning of her return. It reminds me of birth--and with the word "return" it takes on the idea of rebirth.

    I also like the use of carnation for the same reason.

    "Balled in the bud of the earth" gave me pause. Then I looked up how carnations can be grown from cuttings and how you have to get the cuttings from the main shoots before any flower buds begin to show. Then I was really impressed.

    This whole poem has a very unique bent to it. The only lines that I see that have been used before in a similar way are:

    "They departed into the recesses of
    Her dreams. . ."

    I don't know of a suggestion for a more unique way of saying this. But perhaps you can come up with something.

    This is super stuff, though. Like Jacob says, sometimes the first draft is the best.


    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery and vocabulary here are very dense, which is typical of your longer works. The focus is obviously your last line, but the question is: return to/of what? You've wisely chosen not to explain yourself which shows respect for the reader and allows him/her allows to solve the mystery individually. I don't think you should touch this. It's fine as it is.
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt this was short but powerful. The brightness of the emerging, contrast of saddening departure and ending with hopeful waiting.
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by Dante Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, nice....i think spontaneous is often best...

    i think we often tinker too much with what already works...

    i like the effect of this..and i don't feel it needs to be messed with...

    the ones that blurt out are often best..but sometimes we get it in our heads that the only good poem is one that we revise and revise an revise...and often doing that actually can take the life right out of a piece.

    this is good.

    | Posted on 2012-01-04 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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