[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: findots

    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 417/433/131
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 310
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 331


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I shake him
    in earnest
    wake up!
    wake up!
    wake up!

    I shout
    to din
    to darkness
    so crushing

    wake up!
    but his eyes
    hold no life
    my reflection

    Submitted on 2012-01-05 14:20:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I appreciate such things that allow the reader to gather his/her own thoughts towards a given outline such as this. Kind of a bait that draws you in, being curious beings in nature. Explore, wonder what the author might have meant versus what it means to you. Feelings and emotions as opposed to often crass explanations. Broader appreciative audience that way, not boxing anyone out. Ambiguity, whether originally intended or not, adds a depth to those inclined to swim. And the English language is so full of it, ambiguity that is. fin
    | Posted on 2012-01-06 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the way you use structure to create meaning....the poem falls down the page....the speaker is falling into an abyss.....

    the desperation is conveyed by the repetition of "wake up!" and the reader knows that no reply comes....

    and the reflection of the speaker's image indicates that he/she is truly alone....

    excellent write!
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by rubie | [ Reply to This ]
      very haunting! i like that you dont say whether who it is that is fallen/dead. as a good writer, you leave that to your reader. is it a husband/father/mentor/son? is he old/young/an infant?

    this is another heavy write. its quite sad and very frantic. i appreciate how you format the text so that it gives the feeling of descent. almost black hole like...

    i think the repetition of wordings work here. again it shows a frantic way...i must say though, that the beginning:

    "the end"

    does not do it for me. its almost like giving the punchline before the joke. i think it would be more dramatic if it was at the end of the piece and written like this-


    it gives the reader a reference that can be interpreted in a very poetic fashion.

    i left this until now b/c i feel as though these are the strongest lines:

    but his eyes
    hold no life
    my reflection

    these are powerful and heartfelt lines. it really struck a cord in me. beyond it being a stark image, it is so very searching. it reminds me of a line from Donne...dont cry for whom the bell tolls- for it tolls for thee...in other words, the death of one is the death of all. so to see nothing but your own reflection in the black eyes, is to say that life has left the body, and to a certain extent yourself.

    great, great, great job!

    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      The word "din" what is that referring to? The only time I have heard it and forgive me for my ignorance I am googling it after this comment, is from a Steven King novel.

    And I like this piece a lot for that, lol.
    I like the metaphor of self here, referred by "reflection" in connection to the end and heaven and darkness and din,

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2012-01-05 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    Every..... written by jackz
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bond written by saartha
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]