light of night by brokenbylove

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Submission Name: light of night dots

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Author:	brokenbylove
ASL Info:	26/m/australia
Elite Ratio:	1.27 - 63/298/259
Words:	89

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	551
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	524

Description:

light of night dots

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my life was slowly crumbling
i gave up long ago
my heart couldnt take it anymore
there was nothing left to fight for
my heart has gone dark
i cant see
its like my sight has been stolen from me
then you came like a shining light
to chase the dark away
to pull me back from the brink
help me find the missing link
i was incomplete
you held out your hand
my life now seems not all bad
cause your here to light up my night

Submitted on 2012-01-06 10:37:46 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
i think that this is very good and i can feel your passion. youre articulate, elegant and honest. that makes for a great writer/poet.

the only nit i have is that i would love for you to have shown me and not just told me in this piece. in other words. use images that convey how you are feeling.
for example:

my life was slowly crumbling

this is a powerful line, but you tell me when i would like to see. paint portraits with your words. maybe you could have said,

MY LIFE IS AN ANCIENT FACADE
MOMENT BY MOMENT I WASTE AWAY...

or something like that. this example is just of the top of my head. now, you wouldnt want to do that every line, but mix of telling with showing.

thats my 2 pence worth!

-jp

| Posted on 2012-01-06 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.