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    dots Submission Name: light of nightdots

    Author: brokenbylove
    ASL Info:    26/m/australia
    Elite Ratio:    1.27 - 63/298/259
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 409
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 524


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    dotslight of nightdots

    my life was slowly crumbling
    i gave up long ago
    my heart couldnt take it anymore
    there was nothing left to fight for
    my heart has gone dark
    i cant see
    its like my sight has been stolen from me
    then you came like a shining light
    to chase the dark away
    to pull me back from the brink
    help me find the missing link
    i was incomplete
    you held out your hand
    my life now seems not all bad
    cause your here to light up my night

    Submitted on 2012-01-06 10:37:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think that this is very good and i can feel your passion. youre articulate, elegant and honest. that makes for a great writer/poet.

    the only nit i have is that i would love for you to have shown me and not just told me in this piece. in other words. use images that convey how you are feeling.
    for example:

    my life was slowly crumbling

    this is a powerful line, but you tell me when i would like to see. paint portraits with your words. maybe you could have said,


    or something like that. this example is just of the top of my head. now, you wouldnt want to do that every line, but mix of telling with showing.

    thats my 2 pence worth!

    | Posted on 2012-01-06 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]

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