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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bad Life, Bad Dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MsUnderstood
    ASL Info:    22/ Female/ Stuart, FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 26/21/22
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 493
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 574



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBad Life, Bad Dreamdots
    -------------------------------------------



    As he sits on her final place of rest
    He remembers all the things she did best
    She was his only life source
    But she never knew, of course
    He cried for her every night
    Everything he did or said
    He did nothing but stay in bed
    He finally decided to end his days
    His friends and family have all gone astray
    He sits on her grave and starts to cry
    As he writes his note goodbye
    He places the barrel to his head
    Pulls the trigger



    and wakes up in bed




    Submitted on 2012-01-07 15:23:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The ending was good...I felt the overall piece as it is written needed more of a rhythm. It felt a bit clumsy in my head while I was reading it."He cried for her every night." Seems to just stand there on its own awkwardly, it isn't coupled up with another rhyming line like the others. Kind of a bastard line. The subject matter was swell...but I don't feel as edgy as it should be.
    | Posted on 2012-01-09 00:00:00 | by malcolmknight | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice write. I particularly enjoy the twist at the end. The whole piece pulls you in, and tugs at the mind as if saying, feel my pain and suffer with me.



    Props,

    Mikey Bee
    | Posted on 2012-01-07 00:00:00 | by MikeyBee | [ Reply to This ]


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