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    dots Submission Name: la peurdots

    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 419/435/131
    Words: 40
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 584
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 290


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    dotsla peurdots

    she cries
    behind my car
    alongside the blooded banks
    dark hair flying back at ends
    her grimace framed
    in desert
    and sunset
    her outstretched arms
    thin and brown as the reeds
    I see in the next

    Submitted on 2012-01-11 08:04:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Janeplane, I thought this was very good.

    The thing with poetry is it's often that you don't have to tell a complete story in order to....

    So what I think here is that the poem is like a sequence of stills (albeit in the dynamic) -framing the dynamic.

    It's a great effect actually, it gives you the sense of something hurried (an anguish) and the real time slow motion effect of the/a looming train wreck.

    If this was a picture I would hang it up on the wall and look at it and look at it. &- that is the point isn't it?
    you want to create something that says something
    [expresses what you need to say] and you want to create something that is interactive, by its existence it demands this interaction, and you need it to do so in spades.

    I often think about emotion and that as writers we are like drug dealers, perhaps we are giving it in a different form, but if we are good drug dealers then through the writing and a person's involvement in what they are reading, then we are giving them the drug of their choice.

    The person doesn't need to know why, they just have to say, 'you know what? you're right, i fucking love that.'

    From that point of view I found this poem very successful, however I consider this comment a general sort of affirmation and will get back to you with specifics. I think you could shave this, I think you could change very little.
    | Posted on 2012-01-19 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      yes, a part of louisiana...post-Katrina is what i see....but this is universal...

    and reminds me of those commercials about saving the children...

    the celebrity or whoever it is walking through the streets and these young people watching or following---and i am thinking, "hey, just adopt the person we see on the screen; you are right there."

    but this poem does create such a stark image of sadness and reality---

    it is beautifully written and causes a shiver.

    | Posted on 2012-01-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      Based on the title and the reference to "parish" (which I suppose is comparable to a county in the northern United States), this seems to be set in some French speaking community, possibly in Louisiana. Regardless of the location, the 'desert' impresses me as desolation, and the 'banks' could be broken levees in a town that hasn't, and may never, fully recover(ed) from disaster. And the girl is a refugee looking for some scrap of kindness and a way out of town.

    Or I could be totally wrong. In any case, this is a very sobering image.

    | Posted on 2012-01-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an excellent scene you've created, but I have no idea what to make of it.

    I feel some kind of suffrage. The woman is maybe reaching out to you; running behind your car, (you were obviously speeding away from her,) just trying to be seen or noticed. A desperate cry for help.

    This is definitely interesting to say the least. Maybe I'm missing some sort of foreknowledge.
    Would you mind contextualizing this for me? You've piqued my interest

    | Posted on 2012-01-11 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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