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Entranced


Author: JanePlane
ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 419 /435 /131
Words: 90
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1441
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 577



Description:




Entranced



The music played in her mind.
She willed it there.

Created a melody based on a mood,
danced to it
swayed and hummed.

Thought of the humming bird
and how it doesn't hum with its vocal cords
but with the fast, fast, fast
flutter of wings.
All to suck sweet stuff through its straw beak.

That flutter of thought made her heart
wing into flight
and the music grew louder and louder and louder
until it was all she knew.

The sound of her own song.




Submitted on 2012-01-12 14:56:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  "That flutter of thought made her heart
wing into flight
and the music grew louder and louder and louder
until it was all she knew.

The sound of her own song"

I love the entire build up of the piece to this moment. You absolutley slayed me in the best way with this ending. I feel as if this is what we all aspire to or should aspire to. Yet we too often pay more attention to the sound of some one elses song. I can offer no critiques to this piece. Thank you for an excellent read!
-John
| Posted on 2012-01-16 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
  jesus this is good, jane....

i especially liked the line "she willed it there"

and the effort from the hummingbird to hum...the melody from a fluttering of wings.

the music of life goes faster and louder because we fly through it too fast...

we need to slow down the tempo and enjoy more...

there is sadness to this piece...the music isn't just there on its own, naturally, she has to will it....

ah me. you are good.

jacob
| Posted on 2012-01-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh wow--I LOVE this one.

To create by will...she willed it there. She created the melody and got it stuck in her head.
Like how life 'creates' by will to exist. Life always finds away.
Evolution.
The humming bird creates sound with its wings because it needs its beak to get the 'sweet stuff.'

And my favorite part was the last stanza with the usage of "flutter" and "wing" to continue the bird motif.

And just the image of someone entranced into the aesthetic beauty of the world.

Excellent

matt
| Posted on 2012-01-13 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like this one, Jane. the way you link the mind's song with the hummingbird is quite exquisite. you also employ some very fine images as well. there is a peace that comes forth from this write- actually, it flows from it. upon reading it the 2nd time Bach's 1007 BMW preludio was playing in my head...thats the beauty of this wrote- its power to transport.

The music played in her mind-

Created a melody based on a mood,
danced to it
swayed and hummed.

Thought of the humming bird
and how it doesn’t hum with its vocal cords
but with the fast,
flutter of wings.
All to suck sweet stuff through its straw beak.

That flutter of thought made her heart
wing into flight
and the music grew louder and
louder and louder
until it was all she knew.

The sound of her own song.

as you can see i just made a couple suggestions here. the biggest one being the deleting of the second line. i think the write explicitly reveals that she is making the music in her mind. and the last line of the piece ensures we understand that.

anyway, i think this is a great write either way. remember, my suggestions are just that, my suggestions. i appreciate that we can suggest edits to one another work there fulfilling the purpose of the site.

as irons sharpens iron---thats my 2 pence worth.

great job!

JP
| Posted on 2012-01-12 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent! I liked how you started with the thought of sound and built into it with the silence of the birds vocals to the fluttering very descriptive and the transfer of image to the heart with wings was perfect! I have a poem called "Monarch Heart" which the second to last stanza totally reminded me of!!!

the sound of her own song

Awesome :)


I'm constantly humming & singing in my head...it's incredibly uplifting! I think we need more of that in the word learning to sing your own song. Making whatever you do inspiring.

Peace
Kelly
| Posted on 2012-01-12 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]


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