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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cana (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 419
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 503



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCana (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wonder if the waters remember the face of the Galilean---
    His sand swept strands lassoing the elements as if to return
    the zygote to the womb of His bosom and birth it
    again upon the frothy pearls of the sea.

    did the keen eye of the ion reckon the universe
    revolved around the axis of His iris
    as His dusty lips split like the red sea and fiats
    as spears pierced their molecules?-





    Submitted on 2012-01-12 21:47:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow this is absolutely incredible. I don't know where to begin to tell you how much I love this, it is just perfect.

    Did the keen eye of the ion reckon the universe 🌌 revolved around the axis of his iris.

    The symmetry, the references, the detailed look at who Christ is. I'm complete in love with this. I think you just became my favorite writer.
    | Posted on 2015-09-03 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I wonder if the waters remember the face of the Galilean
    His sand swept strands lassoing the elements as if to return
    the zygote to the womb of His bosom and birth it again upon the frothy pearls of the sea.

    Did the keen eye of the ion reckon the universe
    revolved around the axis of His iris
    as His dusty lips split like the red sea and fiats
    as spears pierced their molecules?


    JP:
    Since the last half of this write seems to be one extended question, this is the sort of tweak I'd suggest for the punctuation. The whirling style and layered sonics remind me of the early JP.

    Very nice imagery.
    | Posted on 2012-01-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the reference in the title to the first miracle. I would keep it. I like this piece a lot. I especially like the use of the word "fiats".

    Only one small nit. You don't need the question mark at the beginning. It is a statement; "I wonder . . . "

    OK, and I also wonder about, "did the keen eye of the ion . . . ". It is a bit awkward for me when read aloud. Maybe:

    did the keen eye of this ion reckon the universe revolving on
    the axis of His iris?

    Just thoughts.

    This is very well done.


    Jane
    | Posted on 2012-01-14 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      "dusty lips parting like the red sea"

    cool

    and the idea of going back into the womb and starting over...

    i guess we could certainly come out in this day and age...see what there is...and want to go back in.

    the cycles of history...we need a good one to come about.

    like this

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-01-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]


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