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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the space between starsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 580
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 478



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe space between starsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    the space

    the part we don't look at,
    too mesmerized by the illumination in the black.
    but it is in the space
    between,

    that bodies are formed.
    particles cling together,
    gripped in matrimony.
    hurling between charges
    to form fire and ice,
    dirt and sea.

    what little life we have
    we owe
    to the space


    between


    stars




    Submitted on 2012-01-22 23:34:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      A nice touching on a complex chain of events. True, our material stuff is that stuff found between the stars but science tells us that stuff was manufactured within earlier stars which died that we may live. (Ouch)

    The song which actually gives life to our material stuff is, however, a symphony involving both the stars and space which was written in the beginning and which is still being played today if we can learn to listen. I suspect you have a good ear in that respect. Plus, there are the echos...
    | Posted on 2012-01-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      But the molecular relationships seem so fair; where as our elemental relationships seem so brutal. One owes the other so much more. A very one-sided relationship...but hey, opposites do attract, you know.

    Hell, salt is fine and dandy, but it seems sodium is giving up more than chlorine in order to keep the relationship alive. That's an ionic bond for you...

    and no, we can't see it....so it seems they are locked in happiness, hen in reality they probably fight a lot.

    But those molecules....they're intact....I think.

    Just offering some perspective.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2012-01-23 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]
      i feel that i and another star have traveled that space between, and now there is the clinging...but it is in a good way...two stars together shining even more brightly....

    i like the "fire and ice/ dirt and sea" between charges...

    sometimes the ons and offs in a relationship...between the electricity, the chemistry, the loving...there is the chaos, the uncomfortableness.....the hurting each other...

    and then we might wonder if it is worth hanging in the sky.

    or if it is worth clinging to another star...maybe distance is the best thing sometimes.

    i really like the expression, the vision...the unique look at how important the dark space between the stars is and what it represents.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-01-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that when a poet introduces work, if they are a decent poet or that work is quite advanced in what they are attempting to achieve then there ought to be very little variation [in the reader's mind] as to how the poem should / could be read. I am not talking about content so much as i am talking about a thing being word perfect.

    When you reach such a stage then the individual words and position of each word in relation to others and the next will be sitting there in and because they achieve the maximum value, it's like you are a diamond cutter and if you examine the poem in the same way and give the same thought to each concept or correlation as the cutter dude to each cut, then....

    I guess I'm saying you have an idea here that 99 people out of 100 would never consider. You have used space and brevity well, you have followed up a sparsely descriptive passage with a dynamic passage, you have gone back to brevity. All these things are excellent. Can you now make a short poem shorter? A deliberate poem more casual? Extend dynamism until it is omitted, leaving a gap and therefore more in-time?

    by which i mean:

    you have introduced the between star theme in the title, if we are all star-children then do you need to use the phrase at the end?

    too mesmerized by the illumination in the black.

    by the in the = deliberate adherence to correct sentence structure/syntax. is it active? or do you lose some of the in the moment feel by being so deliberate?

    hurling between charges
    to form fire and ice,
    dirt and sea.


    v

    hurling between charges
    formed, fire and ice,
    dirt and sea



    what is the difference? extension i guess, the idea that maybe these things are destined and can therefore run ahead of their making.

    the placement of commas etc between pivotal words can alter the meaning a lot. it can alter the way the poem is read (sound, and meaning).

    And so if this is well written (and it is) i suggest there is a lot of work you could do to make it shorter.

    That is the process I work through, and, I wouldn't say I have a lot of poems I could tick off as being wholly successful. So, these are some thoughts.
    | Posted on 2012-01-23 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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