Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: On Moving Mountainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 350
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 660



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOn Moving Mountainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke up thinking, mustard seed
    how the seed is a sphere
    how it is more brown than yellow
    but the flowers,

    in my subconscious I must have
    known I was seeking faith
    in all those yellow plants.

    mountain moving seems frightful.
    think of the death toll.
    think of the terror.
    perhaps that is why the faithful
    leave our mountains unmoved

    and keep their mustard seeds
    mashed up
    yellowed with dye
    and drawn in even lines
    a secret reminder of their power







    Submitted on 2012-01-23 16:43:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Personally, I found this quite moving. ;) Now, as to those particular "lines" do I find a straw or just roll up a dollar bill if I can find one?

    Lloyd
    | Posted on 2012-01-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your earthquake line could be omitted entirely as it sounds awkward and unnecessary. It sounds more powerful ending on "power" as it seems a natural end-point and ties up your theme with a much more resounding sonic punch.

    With that nitpickery opinion out of the way, I have to say that this is a fascinating piece. To me, you seem to equate your own subconscious desire for faith upon the more ethereal, cyclic and green, as opposed to mountains, or Petros/the Rock (as a Christian-based symbol I immediately thought of).

    That stable centre, and having to move it, would certainly be a frightful prospect, philosophically. But therein lies that struggle of polarities. Or, at least, that's how I see it and feel it to be.

    This is a work which speaks to me on many levels. And anything which intrigues me, I enjoy far more thoroughly.

    Thank you for the mind associations.
    Arohanui.
    | Posted on 2012-01-25 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      i would stop where matt suggested...i like his idea--

    i do like this poem...faith can be overwhelming because it is a very powerful thing and can move mountains...

    it can also cause disaster if used for the wrong purposes...too much power maybe?

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it...a lot. It has some pretty seedy philosophical undertones.
    My advice to you: drop the last stanza.
    Stick to the first and third person for this one.
    The last part just seems a tad out of place.
    Leaving "either that or they cause earthquakes" as the last line gives it more of a cryptic feel.

    Interesting thought..."perhaps that is why the faithful leave our mountains unmoved. " Again, I feel as if you should replace "our" with "the". It doesn't lose any meaning that way. It still shows a distinct separation from the writer and the faithful. But a very very good line nonetheless.

    Matt
    | Posted on 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    193997

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Carry written by saartha
    untitled written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Records I written by Raphael
    Life is moments written by Ramneet

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry