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    dots Submission Name: On Moving Mountainsdots

    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 419/434/131
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 388
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 660


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    dotsOn Moving Mountainsdots

    I woke up thinking, mustard seed
    how the seed is a sphere
    how it is more brown than yellow
    but the flowers,

    in my subconscious I must have
    known I was seeking faith
    in all those yellow plants.

    mountain moving seems frightful.
    think of the death toll.
    think of the terror.
    perhaps that is why the faithful
    leave our mountains unmoved

    and keep their mustard seeds
    mashed up
    yellowed with dye
    and drawn in even lines
    a secret reminder of their power

    Submitted on 2012-01-23 16:43:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Personally, I found this quite moving. ;) Now, as to those particular "lines" do I find a straw or just roll up a dollar bill if I can find one?

    | Posted on 2012-01-26 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your earthquake line could be omitted entirely as it sounds awkward and unnecessary. It sounds more powerful ending on "power" as it seems a natural end-point and ties up your theme with a much more resounding sonic punch.

    With that nitpickery opinion out of the way, I have to say that this is a fascinating piece. To me, you seem to equate your own subconscious desire for faith upon the more ethereal, cyclic and green, as opposed to mountains, or Petros/the Rock (as a Christian-based symbol I immediately thought of).

    That stable centre, and having to move it, would certainly be a frightful prospect, philosophically. But therein lies that struggle of polarities. Or, at least, that's how I see it and feel it to be.

    This is a work which speaks to me on many levels. And anything which intrigues me, I enjoy far more thoroughly.

    Thank you for the mind associations.
    | Posted on 2012-01-25 00:00:00 | by trinityfinger | [ Reply to This ]
      i would stop where matt suggested...i like his idea--

    i do like this poem...faith can be overwhelming because it is a very powerful thing and can move mountains...

    it can also cause disaster if used for the wrong purposes...too much power maybe?

    | Posted on 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it...a lot. It has some pretty seedy philosophical undertones.
    My advice to you: drop the last stanza.
    Stick to the first and third person for this one.
    The last part just seems a tad out of place.
    Leaving "either that or they cause earthquakes" as the last line gives it more of a cryptic feel.

    Interesting thought..."perhaps that is why the faithful leave our mountains unmoved. " Again, I feel as if you should replace "our" with "the". It doesn't lose any meaning that way. It still shows a distinct separation from the writer and the faithful. But a very very good line nonetheless.

    | Posted on 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | by OneDarkFlame92 | [ Reply to This ]

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