Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Traveldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.06 - 230/384/131
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 326



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTraveldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Snow wets the
    wetlands

    Around the cattails
    evergreens
    rabbit holes

    a heavy fog forms
    sharp and cold

    Everything in its place
    huddled down but

    me, I am leaving, I am
    laden with bags, I
    am carrying it all
    with me.




    Submitted on 2012-01-27 18:22:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    The movement of this poem is delicious. The aspect of snow wetting the wetlands gives everything a place both in relevance to everything else (the snow & wetlands, the wetlands & cattails, evergreens & rabbit holes) as well as setting; a time both in the sense of the season & in that this is a cue for what will follow. It makes me think of someone who uses the land rather than square boxes on a piece of paper as their calendar to figure out when the time has come for this or that. There is the preparation that precedes the action.

    & packing up is a putting-everything-in-its place & seeing how to fit things & leaving behind what can't. I love the elliptical edge of the final stanza. It's going on & leaves the reader with that sense of departure. Daniel hit the mark with fullness & density; there's just this readiness & acceptance & acknowledgement.

    It's just wonderful Kelsey. A bit of a fawning response, but that's your fault.
    | Posted on 2012-02-05 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      Tells you what you already know as a good poem probably should. Although I like how it's to do with leaving a place that seems more like a place worth traveling to. Like the first three stanzas give off fresh air, a kind of wildness that you are escaping rather than searching for. Home could be in the arctic and therefore grow stale (though I can't imagine it). Then your travel bag of images and memories to take with you. I like the wording of this poem, how it evades "it's" and "thes" and "likes". Ha it actually doesn't but it seems to because you compact it so well.
    | Posted on 2012-01-29 00:00:00 | by Wolfwatching | [ Reply to This ]
      all that baggage
    in need of a home

    the traveling is lighter
    when we live on the road

    Just my thoughts about your thoughts.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2012-01-29 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Not going to miss the sharp and cold fog. I like this, carry the memory and find hopefully a more comfortable clime at least for a season.
    | Posted on 2012-01-28 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      this is good enough i will read it a few times and come back to it.

    that's good, when offering critique, the simple process of that can actually alter how you feel about the poem.

    Snow wets the
    wetlands

    is gorgeous, wetting something wet, which seems like an odd thought, since you imagine the wetlands as being self sourced, but I guess all things come from some thing, so the way that snow softly falls
    meshing the idea of a thing of surface and a thing of air, that's really cool that alien factor (the snow) and a really classy way to introduce a concept and a poem.

    Around the cattails
    evergreens
    rabbit holes


    a heavy fog forms
    sharp and cold

    I like the way things are paired. Cattails' reaching for the air, and around them what is lush and the earth and is permanent.

    then,

    if you look at it the fog is a structural pairing with the strophe above it because it is offering a contrast, and more directly, within that little section there is the air theme again and the impermanence of fog next to those evergreens and the rabbit holes, and the contrast again, lush and connotations of warmth v transient and sharp and cold. So, already the poem is a beast.

    Everything in its place
    huddled down but

    the contrast in this, in it's place, everything - the size and scope and statement
    of that

    v

    huddled down, which seems odd, how can.....?
    but, this is lovely and this is why it works. (everything in its place/huddled down)

    and, how the but is right there beside the huddled down, purposefully.

    me, I am leaving, I am
    laden with bags, I
    am carrying it all
    with me.

    huddled down, in tune with nature, all these pairings and contrasts throughout the poem which give the reader an intense awareness of the narrator's awareness and connectedness with her surroundings.

    So, the last bit, with the structural enjambments and the repetition of i is fantastic.

    she is laden, she is straightening up.
    facing up to the new reality, and this makes her fondness (for the time, the place) seem like a dreaming. she is laden, she is straightening up.

    you = great writer.

    I guess I should add that I like that the poem makes me feel as if the leaving would be a great hardship .... when i left my kids to go back to nz.
    when - i left my mum and nz to go back to my kids. this is love.

    it (the poem) carries a fullness, and density
    and so, as a story, it captivates me, your story.
    | Posted on 2012-01-27 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      like the snow which comes and goes...that's me.

    everything that i cover stays...it is like touching people's lives and then disappearing...

    i feel baggage here...the inviting land of love, but baggage makes me fly, makes me flee...makes me run away from a "you and me"---

    i do agree with jane...the last stanza..too much with the two "am's" a little passive there...

    but so concisie..there is sparseness which well represents the cold feeling of this.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-01-27 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This has a lot going for it. I like the sparseness of punctuation and the concise word choice.

    I would suggest making the last stanza less passive:

    me, I leave
    laden with bags,

    carry it all
    with me.

    Maybe "carrying" still . . .

    Just thoughts.

    Jane
    | Posted on 2012-01-27 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    194036

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shi written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Fasade written by jackz
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    Records I written by Raphael
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Cover written by saartha
    You read free written by poetotoe
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    no words for how graceful you are in this moment written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Carry written by saartha
    Yes written by poetotoe
    Where? written by ParanoidParadox
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Etiquette written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry