Description: don't tell me a reaction to my description, tell me a reaction to the piece. i guess that would be "first impressions" but i also want "unbiased review" and "writing advice" if you've got it.
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And once again you see me smile
While pain is flashing in my eyes
You ask for help but all the while
You are the cause of my demise
You'll never know how much you meant
How much it hurt that you don't care
Now all my energy is spent
I drain the cup and leave you there
Within the world you love so much
With all the joy I dared not touch
Hay I don't think I have ever read any thing that you have written so an unbiased review is all I can give. I like it. It expresses many frustrations all in a single peice. Your fear in this peice stands out, it is quite apparent that it is emphasized that the reader is not only suppose to look at the pain of the subject, but what is cuasing such horrors.
I like what you have done with the rhyme scheme. It is unnusual to see a strong ab/ab pattern topped of with a couplet for conclusion. I like this unique feature.
I'm sorry to say that I don't really know what you are talking about in the last line of the first stanza. My first thought was of an alcoholic and that would make a lot of sense. Alcoholics often ask for help, they don't care, and many get pleasure from other people's pain seeing that many are just using alcohol to cover up their own lives, twisted by theirs sins and horrors of reality. To me this would possibly make the most sense, but I would really like to hear what you have to say so if you could respond to this critique it would be greatly appreciated.
the only thing I would change is the last line. 'With all the joy I never dared to touch' reads better for me. a good poem with a lot of emotion. I like that line about the cup very much too.
Wow. This left me feeling very emotional. I felt like you had tried so hard to be the saviour for this person, but it took everything you had, and now you feel empty. I could be completely wrong, but I like it anyway. I don't really have any writing advice, except you may want to change the word "you" sometimes, because it starts a line three times in a row.
I agree a sonet fits this piece, I enjoyed it, because the feelings reminded me of something I'm going trough. Keep in mind the sonet though, you would write a good piece if you did one.
hmmm, I like this piece. HybridMagnolia is right too, a sonnet would be nice. I love this format, it reminds me of shakespeare, maybe I'm just wierd, this piece rocked. keep it up.
ever think about writing a sonnet? you almost have it close the right set up. sonnets are pretty nice pieces. i think you'd be able to write a good one. look for mine here soon
This is a great poem. It's not too long but it's very full as well. That would be my first impression. I wouldn't change a thing. Then I read it a second time only more slowly. Every line has exactly 8 syllables but line 7 "Now all my energy is spent" seems to throw of the meter. I'm not sure why but the energy just mixes things up. You end up having to stress the GEE to keep going. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong but I think if you rewrote it the piece would flow smoother. I can't think of a way of changing it and leaving in the spent but maybe you can. If you don't change that line the piece still works. So either way it's a great write. Good job.
Submission Name: ***
