thank you for your time and thoughts.. I appreciate them.
where you said i needed to change me and his, i upload most everything i post from my phone and sometimes the editing gets a little screwy. the last word should have been me..
and i kinda like the way i ended it.. more because of the finality that dead brings,with it. But i appreciate your point of view all the same..
thank you again
I'm glad to hear that you gave life a chance to work things out! You're so right...it all takes time.
Take a look at the last line in the third group of lines. You start with "me". I think you meant to end the previous line with "me" and start the last line with "his".
Now, my next comment is just a suggestion...have you ever thought of not using any punctuation? It's just a thought...just let the lines end. You're use of starting with caps, and the next line is lower case is spot on...it works great with this poem.
I wish I could offer you an alternative to the dead and end combo in the last group. It's fine, but it would be even better if they rhymed a little more. But hey, it's your work :)