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Dead


Author: trynfinity
ASL Info:    38/f/California
Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149 /145 /91
Words: 196
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 756
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1171



Description:


suicide,


Dead



"This text is centered"

I wrote this a while back.... when things were bad. Luckily things change if we give them time to...

I decided to die today
as I sat there on the bed.
This handful of pills were
my new and only friends.

So tired of this life were living
the constant battle and the fight.
Hating how he always sees me
in his eyes there is no light.

My days feel cold and empty
I'm lost and all alone.
He said he'd forever love
me his heart became my home.

Now everyday that passes
it seems he loves me less.
Disappointed I keep failing
my emotions left a mess.

Words of sweet I love you
clash with actions cold and mean.
Confusing my mind and soul
with what is heard and what is seen.

So I'm left now alone and shattered
just wishing this pain would end.
Sitting here my pills I've swallowed
I've killed me...today I'm dead.

Heather Kemper November 11,2011




Submitted on 2012-02-23 06:39:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  thank you for your time and thoughts.. I appreciate them.
where you said i needed to change me and his, i upload most everything i post from my phone and sometimes the editing gets a little screwy. the last word should have been me..

and i kinda like the way i ended it.. more because of the finality that dead brings,with it. But i appreciate your point of view all the same..
thank you again
Heather
| Posted on 2012-03-01 00:00:00 | by trynfinity | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm glad to hear that you gave life a chance to work things out! You're so right...it all takes time.

Take a look at the last line in the third group of lines. You start with "me". I think you meant to end the previous line with "me" and start the last line with "his".

Now, my next comment is just a suggestion...have you ever thought of not using any punctuation? It's just a thought...just let the lines end. You're use of starting with caps, and the next line is lower case is spot on...it works great with this poem.

I wish I could offer you an alternative to the dead and end combo in the last group. It's fine, but it would be even better if they rhymed a little more. But hey, it's your work :)

Thanks for posting!

K
| Posted on 2012-02-29 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


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