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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: trynfinity
    ASL Info:    38/f/California
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149/145/91
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 345
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1171



    Description:
       suicide,


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    "This text is centered"

    I wrote this a while back.... when things were bad. Luckily things change if we give them time to...

    I decided to die today
    as I sat there on the bed.
    This handful of pills were
    my new and only friends.

    So tired of this life were living
    the constant battle and the fight.
    Hating how he always sees me
    in his eyes there is no light.

    My days feel cold and empty
    I'm lost and all alone.
    He said he'd forever love
    me his heart became my home.

    Now everyday that passes
    it seems he loves me less.
    Disappointed I keep failing
    my emotions left a mess.

    Words of sweet I love you
    clash with actions cold and mean.
    Confusing my mind and soul
    with what is heard and what is seen.

    So I'm left now alone and shattered
    just wishing this pain would end.
    Sitting here my pills I've swallowed
    I've killed me...today I'm dead.

    Heather Kemper November 11,2011




    Submitted on 2012-02-23 06:39:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      thank you for your time and thoughts.. I appreciate them.
    where you said i needed to change me and his, i upload most everything i post from my phone and sometimes the editing gets a little screwy. the last word should have been me..

    and i kinda like the way i ended it.. more because of the finality that dead brings,with it. But i appreciate your point of view all the same..
    thank you again
    Heather
    | Posted on 2012-03-01 00:00:00 | by trynfinity | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm glad to hear that you gave life a chance to work things out! You're so right...it all takes time.

    Take a look at the last line in the third group of lines. You start with "me". I think you meant to end the previous line with "me" and start the last line with "his".

    Now, my next comment is just a suggestion...have you ever thought of not using any punctuation? It's just a thought...just let the lines end. You're use of starting with caps, and the next line is lower case is spot on...it works great with this poem.

    I wish I could offer you an alternative to the dead and end combo in the last group. It's fine, but it would be even better if they rhymed a little more. But hey, it's your work :)

    Thanks for posting!

    K
    | Posted on 2012-02-29 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


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