Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Deaddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: trynfinity
    ASL Info:    38/f/California
    Elite Ratio:    4.43 - 149/145/91
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 336
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1171



    Description:
       suicide,


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeaddots
    -------------------------------------------


    "This text is centered"

    I wrote this a while back.... when things were bad. Luckily things change if we give them time to...

    I decided to die today
    as I sat there on the bed.
    This handful of pills were
    my new and only friends.

    So tired of this life were living
    the constant battle and the fight.
    Hating how he always sees me
    in his eyes there is no light.

    My days feel cold and empty
    I'm lost and all alone.
    He said he'd forever love
    me his heart became my home.

    Now everyday that passes
    it seems he loves me less.
    Disappointed I keep failing
    my emotions left a mess.

    Words of sweet I love you
    clash with actions cold and mean.
    Confusing my mind and soul
    with what is heard and what is seen.

    So I'm left now alone and shattered
    just wishing this pain would end.
    Sitting here my pills I've swallowed
    I've killed me...today I'm dead.

    Heather Kemper November 11,2011




    Submitted on 2012-02-23 06:39:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      thank you for your time and thoughts.. I appreciate them.
    where you said i needed to change me and his, i upload most everything i post from my phone and sometimes the editing gets a little screwy. the last word should have been me..

    and i kinda like the way i ended it.. more because of the finality that dead brings,with it. But i appreciate your point of view all the same..
    thank you again
    Heather
    | Posted on 2012-03-01 00:00:00 | by trynfinity | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm glad to hear that you gave life a chance to work things out! You're so right...it all takes time.

    Take a look at the last line in the third group of lines. You start with "me". I think you meant to end the previous line with "me" and start the last line with "his".

    Now, my next comment is just a suggestion...have you ever thought of not using any punctuation? It's just a thought...just let the lines end. You're use of starting with caps, and the next line is lower case is spot on...it works great with this poem.

    I wish I could offer you an alternative to the dead and end combo in the last group. It's fine, but it would be even better if they rhymed a little more. But hey, it's your work :)

    Thanks for posting!

    K
    | Posted on 2012-02-29 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    194387

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    Push written by JanePlane
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    To written by SavedDragon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Incubus written by monad
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    The Promise written by annie0888
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry