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Jesse


Author: DiamondTears
ASL Info:    20/F/Wa
Elite Ratio:    3.3 - 66 /109 /57
Words: 67
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 918
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 459



Description:


Unrecipicated attraction.


Jesse



Because I'd rather live the fantasy, 
Than face the fact, there's no you and me.
And there's an unfinished necklace,
We started, and I'm waiting, breathless.
I've never burned for someone quite  like you before,
You're the only one who makes my heart crash and freely soar. 
Then I feel silly for thinking you'd feel that way,
I'm just not her, at the end of the day.




Submitted on 2012-02-25 06:58:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Unreciprocated love (or attraction, as you would say) is one of those deal breakers that many of us never notice until we're in too deep. We go on thinking that maybe tomorrow...or the next day...or the day after that will be the day. Yet it never happens.

I like what you've done here. The rhymes work well...the lines aren't unnecessarily short (which is a nice touch). For me, I like to count syllables when writing a poem...call it an OCD thing, but lines that rhyme have the same number of syllables...but that's just me (and it's extra work...and I'm not sure that it really adds anything...I just like to do it).

I did see a couple of minor errors (nothing major): in the third line, you need to change "a unfinished" to "an unfinished". In the sixth line, you should change "Your" to "You're".

This was a nice read...nothing complicated to understand...no riddles, or abstract symbolism. It was just you expressing yourself...very nice indeed!

Thanks for posting!

K
| Posted on 2012-03-07 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


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