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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Not a Swan Song, Not a Crydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 415/433/130
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 758
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 786



    Description:
       Something I tried to express a long time ago. I don't know if this is better than the original or not.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNot a Swan Song, Not a Crydots
    -------------------------------------------


    the near-dead eye of a dove
    catches a glimpse of what I see:

    her headless body white but bloodied red,
    aflutter!
    wings thumping a fence made with wood slats too tall

    for vain flight to sun and stars


    falling
    short


    even of the wide


    expanse of blue

    a

    frenzy!

    frenzy!

    frenzy!

    of feathers
    (and me stepping outside myself to look back)
    a face (my face) frozen in awe and terror

    "death is god"
    the bird sings

    voiceless
    "heaven is the finite moment of knowing"




    Submitted on 2012-02-28 14:43:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      My feeling is that this is pretty much brilliant. By brilliant I don't mean that you are brilliant, I mean that aspects of the work are brilliant for holding that ability to show,
    and therefore, articulate. In a way that is a more humble nod to you, and hopefully more meaningful.

    I am distrustful of the way that punctuation often looks, and by this I mean that it can sometimes affect a piece of work with an articialdom (and yup, that's a word that seems to have created itself out of necessity (i always get the red line when I spell necessity, always)).

    So, I don't like a mark on a page which denotes urgency or what have you in the way that a ! does.

    To me, for me, it's like the writer is holding up a sign reading: 'anger' 'danger' 'kerfuffle'

    and somehow that seems to take away from the seriousness of tone. So, I mention this because of the resounding thereness and acuteness of what you have managed to achieve. Better, imo, if you stay in the moment.

    db
    | Posted on 2012-03-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Is it? is always the question. We fling ourselves against barriers around us seemingly without purpose but is it? until death where it seems there must be the answer but is that answer to be? It may seem futile or is it? Live, love, be happy as you may seems best and not to worry about the small stuff because small stuff it is. - Jim
    | Posted on 2012-03-03 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]
      It's not the first of yours that I have read and appreciated, nor I hope the last. That you post them here is a tribute to your generosity towards the rest of us. Again your range of versatility is shown quite well, something that Glen hasn't been able to appreciate if this is his first. Visiting your page is like taking a bath of indulgence.

    No, I will not "fav" this one, but you know the story on that. To me it would be kind of like putting out a fav on Shakespeare, Dickerson and the like. The word for that here is superfluous but you are just plain super.
    | Posted on 2012-03-02 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      All I could think of was Leda behind her picket fence, frenetically sweeping her patio and sidestepping legos. I might have been babysitting too long, i think. Those legos hurt when you step on them!
    | Posted on 2012-02-29 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      i couldn't help but think of the movie "flatliners" when i read this...the experience of death...seeing ourselves in life...the bloodied dove...maybe the guilt of what we did do and some of what we didn't do...

    do we want to look back...or did we just fall short of what we could have been...and are we afraid to see God when all is said and done.

    i feel the terror and frenzy in this...

    it's like wanting to and trying to wake up from a bad dream..and being so close but not quite able to...it's scary.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2012-02-28 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      That is the most harrowing moment of philosophy that I have experienced this year. I don't usually like this sort of verse-form; but here it is exactly right for the story. And the story is clear with both truth and drama ... that is just what most readers of poetry want to read, unless they are so sophisticated that I couldn't understand them.

    I think this is the first of your poems that I've read. I so so like it!
    | Posted on 2012-02-28 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    194448

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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