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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Come Undonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: NotAfraid2Live
    ASL Info:    15/f/va
    Elite Ratio:    0.52 - 0/1/1
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 251
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 432



    Description:
       A poem I wrote for my sisters birthday! feedback is greatly appreciated!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCome Undonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    No matter how beautiful something is it always seems to be hidden. Whether it's by society, make-up, or stage curtains, it always seems to happen. You can shine. Sometimes you might be scared to come undone. You become so used to life's barriers that you're too scared to push them down. You need to let your dreams become reality. Break through the walls. Once you do, your beauty will shine brighter than the stars.




    Submitted on 2012-03-01 09:28:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thank you very much. It's true/. Thanks, i fixed it. It sounds great, maybe I'll tweek it a little bit. Yeah, I know what you mean. Thank you so much for the advice! Take care as well!
    | Posted on 2012-03-14 00:00:00 | by NotAfraid2Live | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm sure your sister appreciated this uplifting bit of prose. And you're right, life does hide the more beautiful things in our lives. I think it does that so that we take the time to notice them. Maybe it's so that we appareciate them more? Who knows.

    Take a look at the 4th sentence. "coem" should be "come".

    What if you were have one more line that said something like: You only need to come undone. What do you think?

    I also think you could make this into a rather rmoving poem simply by breaking each sentence up into a couple of lines. You can add or subtract words depending on how it flows. It's all about where you want to take the reader. What do you want them to know that they didn't know before reading your work.

    Take care,

    K
    | Posted on 2012-03-03 00:00:00 | by krs3332003 | [ Reply to This ]


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