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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Disease ( Not Finished )dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/211
    Words: 36
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 570
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 234



    Description:
       Feel free to comment.


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    dotsThe Disease ( Not Finished )dots
    -------------------------------------------



    Devil, close by knitting skin to disguise;
    weaving a lie of a world we wished to create.
    Knot by knot strangling our chances to rise;
    engineering the gallows to deliver our failure.






    Submitted on 2012-03-01 12:50:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The idea is clear...and the phrasing is clever, but it doesn't flow well. There's something off between the 2nd and 4th lines. Something is hindering how it comes across. You pay attention to the words but not how it reads and the four lines seem seperate from one another instead of connectioning to one whole statement.
    | Posted on 2012-03-14 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]
      Still a bit knotty. I like the direction but it's a little hard to follow. I think it's a good start.
    | Posted on 2012-03-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


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