The Gnaw of Deathly Hunger
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Description:
The Gnaw of Deathly Hunger
I was meant to be an observer Like an anthropologist taking field notes In misty mountain jungles. You were wild and untamed, your soul at least. Like a beast whose eyes peer out from the shadows You silenced me; in my awe I stilled my breath And watched carefully as you lived. I was privileged not to be eaten, To even be loved. But I never stopped fearing that day would come And when it did all the flavor bled from life. The memory of a meal more torture than comfort to the starving Nothing tastes as real as the closeness of you. It is the one appetite that remains. I hunt amongst the clouds for a ghost of like spirit - Always with this yearning Like the gnaw of deathly hunger… |
Submitted on 2012-03-05 21:02:13 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| "But I never stopped fearing that day would come" the line above still calls for a bit of clarification for me....I've fiddled with it a bit, but I may have missed your meaning so you'll have to adjust accordingly. But I never stopped fearing that day would come when the memory of a meal became more torture than comfort to the starving, when nothing tastes as real as the closeness of you. When all flavor is bled from life it is the one appetite that remains. Also there is no inkling of what brought about the loss of this "like spirit" being yearned for. Otherwise, sounding good. ~Cheers, Chris | Posted on 2012-03-08 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ] | There’s much that I like about this, especially the idea of it, the encounter with an enthralling other, and the loss of that other, when life becomes colourless and what is lost cannot be replaced but is always yearned for. | I get a little stalled in this section: --But I never stopped fearing that day would come And when it did, all the flavor bleed from life Nothing in my notes is as fulfilling as you For these scribbles on a page only faintly resemble you Like a wilted flower resembles its former bloom. The vanity of pretention undone merely by your absence I am the one dissected.-- Maybe you meant all the flavour “bled” from life? And did you mean ‘pretension’, but even so I can’t grasp the meaning of the line, what is the pretension? I think it needs some clarity, maybe some additions, it’s too much of a jump from “observing” to”. losing” without anything in between to ground the reader—this one anyways. Likewise the idea of ‘dissection’ seems jarring and doesn’t seem to fit for me—it doesn’t seem like part of the scope of practice of a note-taking anthropologist. Just some thoughts—I think this has loads of potential and maybe could benefit from a few tweaks. Thanks, Chris | Posted on 2012-03-06 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ] | |
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