This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

The Gnaw of Deathly Hunger

Author: Car va g o
ASL Info:    35/M/NY
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180 /185 /45
Words: 142
Class/Type: Deep Thought /Passion
Total Views: 1049
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 839


The Gnaw of Deathly Hunger

I was meant to be an observer
Like an anthropologist taking field notes
In misty mountain jungles.

You were wild and untamed, your soul at least.
Like a beast whose eyes peer out from the shadows
You silenced me; in my awe I stilled my breath
And watched carefully as you lived.
I was privileged not to be eaten,
To even be loved.

But I never stopped fearing that day would come
And when it did all the flavor bled from life.
The memory of a meal more torture than comfort to the starving
Nothing tastes as real as the closeness of you.
It is the one appetite that remains.

I hunt amongst the clouds for a ghost of like spirit -
Always with this yearning
Like the gnaw of deathly hunger…

Submitted on 2012-03-05 21:02:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  "But I never stopped fearing that day would come"

the line above still calls for a bit of clarification for me....I've fiddled with it a bit, but I may have missed your meaning so you'll have to adjust accordingly.

But I never stopped fearing that day would come
when the memory of a meal became more torture than comfort to the starving, when nothing tastes as real as the closeness of you. When all flavor is bled from life
it is the one appetite that remains.

Also there is no inkling of what brought about the loss of this "like spirit" being yearned for.

Otherwise, sounding good. ~Cheers, Chris
| Posted on 2012-03-08 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
  There’s much that I like about this, especially the idea of it, the encounter with an enthralling other, and the loss of that other, when life becomes colourless and what is lost cannot be replaced but is always yearned for.

I get a little stalled in this section:

--But I never stopped fearing that day would come
And when it did, all the flavor bleed from life
Nothing in my notes is as fulfilling as you
For these scribbles on a page only faintly resemble you
Like a wilted flower resembles its former bloom.
The vanity of pretention undone merely by your absence
I am the one dissected.--

Maybe you meant all the flavour “bled” from life? And did you mean ‘pretension’, but even so I can’t grasp the meaning of the line, what is the pretension? I think it needs some clarity, maybe some additions, it’s too much of a jump from “observing” to”. losing” without anything in between to ground the reader—this one anyways. Likewise the idea of ‘dissection’ seems jarring and doesn’t seem to fit for me—it doesn’t seem like part of the scope of practice of a note-taking anthropologist. Just some thoughts—I think this has loads of potential and maybe could benefit from a few tweaks.
Thanks, Chris
| Posted on 2012-03-06 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?