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    dots Submission Name: Remorselessdots

    Author: JanePlane
    ASL Info:    125/F/everyplane
    Elite Ratio:    6.76 - 417/434/131
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 689
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 475


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    this vine is a necklace
    this necklace is a rope
    you do not remember tying

    it slips its loop round
    soft skin
    the neck
    the rope
    the fingers frantic
    the vine it is
    still brown from winter's half-hearted frost
    green creeping toward it
    natura non contristatur
    no vine cries
    no rope refuses to tighten
    no breath cares if it is the last

    Submitted on 2012-03-13 23:02:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
       Ok, now I'm depressed. Love ya anyway.

    | Posted on 2012-03-15 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like the title. If you have a phrase like 'natura non contristatur' followed by what you have it (the title seems a bit applicable and blunt).

    I'm saying this is sophisticated writing.

    The only other criticism I have is that on the page it looks like a pig. That is a frustration I encounter often. Sometimes you feel like you have the words but you can't get it to sit right, in this case I think you have done so well with the words you should do your best to dress it up, experimenting with different fonts and formats. Anyway, this is razzle dazzle stuff. At some point I will come back to this poem and the other one I commented on tonight and be a bit more descriptive about what I thought was so good about them.
    | Posted on 2012-03-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, powerful stuff..."winter's half hearted frost"

    half hearted attempts at love...green creeping toward it...(hope)

    but the noose is tightened....with you i feel constricted, restricted---choking on what i thought was a new beginning...

    but you are gone, and you feel remorseless...and now i feel cold as that half hearted frost...and also feel remorseless...

    i see that gift of a neckless...indicating love and caring and sharing in its initial role as a representation of love...then later it becomes something that chokes...that feels tight around the neck...a bad relationship becomes an albatross..

    so sad...

    i really like the way this piece develops a feeling of almost positive...but just almost...until the end when it doesn't matter anymore..go ahead and tighten it.
    "no breath cares if it is the last"

    which is a dynamite ending.

    | Posted on 2012-03-13 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

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