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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: As The Deer Senses Dangerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Latin King
    ASL Info:    31/M/Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 104/232/145
    Words: 159
    Class/Type: Story/Passion
    Total Views: 550
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1007



    Description:
       Just a story I recalled when I visited my Uncle and Grandfater in Acapulco Mexico.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAs The Deer Senses Dangerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The first time
    My uncle brought
    A dead deer
    I thought to his crime,
    He sought no remorse.
    Yet it wasn't clear
    Throughout the skinning course
    Why he chose that year
    When deer drank
    Water from his pond.

    With adrenaline similar to crank,
    He continued to cut flesh
    and not respond.
    Yet with the kill still fresh
    He told me a story
    I will soon not forget.

    It was then when everything was clear
    No glory on these brushy forests,
    The people that killed your Great Grandfather
    Roam and creep from the rear,
    They are a plague like the locust.

    Your Great Grandfather wasn't bothered
    Of known strangers,

    Yet a week before he died
    He told me:
    "Don't drink water from strange ponds
    approach the drinking fountain,
    as the deer who senses danger."




    Submitted on 2012-03-14 11:30:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this piece you have written, the way you use the deer as a foil in this tale of dangerous times and dangerous people. But the punctuation has got to go, particularly all those commas. This is how I would like to read it:

    The first time
    My uncle brought
    A dead deer
    I thought to his crime,
    He sought no remorse.
    Yet it wasn't clear
    Throughout the skinning course
    Why he chose that year
    When deer drank
    Water from his pond.

    With adrenaline similar to crank,
    He continued to cut flesh
    and not respond.
    Yet with the kill still fresh
    He told me a story
    I will soon not forget.

    etc.
    With a comma at the end of each line as you have it now, the reader is forced into artificial pauses. It gives the poem terrible flow, as they say. Anyhow, it has potential and I like it. ~C
    | Posted on 2012-03-14 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]


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