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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mitigationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.07 - 230/383/127
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1090
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 985



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMitigationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    After three silent days


    Standing juxtaposed
    against the window or in general
    the world of windows

    somewhat mindless,
    bacterial

    only vaguely kept together
    as mist is



    too uncertain to even
    open the window but night air
    will out, it smells of rain
    two mountains over, it carries about
    Gods frenzied barking
    like a favored bone



    how the darkness clumps up
    unevenly, the malnourished
    pre-dawn

    how like a piercing the throat
    rushes to close over




    the birds are remiss, a pigeon head
    raises, blinks
    as though unaware of waking,
    then lowers




    I catch myself sighing
    in a half-hearted way
    like a sick man, dry-heaving.




    Submitted on 2012-03-20 13:19:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really enjoyed this piece. Personification of nature is probably the most beautiful tool in my opinion, even when it doesnt describe something generally accepted as beautiful. I feel deeply that there is a divine connection between humans and nature. As I result I like to use and see it in poetry.

    I like that there is a sense of relationship about this with the environment. A true picture of reality as mentioned with things like bacteria and mist.

    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2016-06-20 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very good.
    | Posted on 2012-04-03 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      Often I love things that I cannot quite put my finger on the why of, maybe because it puts me in this state of being fully engaged - both enthralled by something, and then therefore to a degree satisfied with it but not enough to move on. An itch to scratch that just feels so good being scratched. So what I'm getting at is the irregularities of this poem; lines such as

    "against the window or in general"

    and

    " but night air / will out"

    and

    "the birds are remiss, a pigeon head"

    About these lines: In so many ways, I as a reader wasn't quite sure where they were going so they hung suspended for this delicious moment. I am not sure if I'm making complete sense with that but what I am wanting to say / meaning to say is that these odd transitions are excellently composed. It provoked me to be aware of the words, the phrasing, what was being said.

    I was also captivated by the entire progression of the poem. It begins with a very concrete image; one that I swear I have seen a photograph of somewhere, and so that sticks, but then it looses itself and I think that aspect of loosing itself is integral, so it has this very physical movement occurring. As the poem moves it becomes more surreal, disembodied in a way, or made of many tangibles and intangibles linked together in ways I would think inexplicable but somehow just work.

    By the end, with the heaving, it's as though it has almost gathered itself up again; these images, pieces, thoughts. The window also functions as some sort of grounding factor. It's just a very fascinating write when thoroughly read. It makes me wish that there was a way of saying not just looking but seeing when it comes to reading.

    Boiled down, this is a purging. Like the disturbing, messy, beautiful, painful business of being born. I need that, but I'm worried it's going to take more than three days of silence. I don't know what it's going to take. I think the feeling and act that you're speaking of in this poem will sound down right brutal to people who haven't dealt with this kind of thing. To those of us who have it's a cruel necessity; something that hurts, is dreaded, but then such a relief -- even if only momentary. Hence the title, which is also exact.

    And that indirect God / Dog reference; yes.

    A couple of thoughts to leave you with since I've blathered on, and I should say that it's been a long while since I've commented on anything, much less done much writing myself. Stupid disclaimer: All of this is my shabby opinion.

    "as mist is" -- maybe it is because the simile is tagged on to such a strong metaphor that I feel it almost falls flat; too obvious in its act of comparing or something. I don't know. This is my saying, maybe something to chew on.

    " the malnourished / pre-predawn" -- throughout the poem you have quiet images juxtaposed with intense ones. This one struck me as a little too overwrought. I love the idea and the lines that follow it round it off perfectly, but maybe it's the phrasing that seems tiltingly dramatic in relation to the rest of the poem.

    I told you, I'm rusty. Kind of feel like a blind woman who has to work off feelings, but anyway, I'm done with nit-picky foolery.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2012-03-22 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      After three silent days


    Standing juxtaposed
    against the window or in general
    the world of windows

    somewhat mindless,
    bacterial

    only vaguely kept together
    as mist is

    I like that beginning very much. Generally speaking people don't be quiet for 3 days unless there is something significant going on so, assuming this is a her, it places her there, and you feel this pang of decision. Standing juxtaposed is very formal and specific, so the way you balance that against in general.

    so, the way you elaborate and enhance on that, the window or in general the world of windows. I think if I wrote that or if Aly wrote that we would both be jumping up and down with excitement, calling the other a rockstar and I don't say that to link myself to her, I say it inspite of that kerfuffle because hopefully you consider that we are both writers, different, and individually, but I wanted to express to you that I think that that is just the very best kind of writing. It's joyful to read it.

    To get a little more cognitive on you, when I read it I also consider linkage and what services or serves what and how this can be applied at one point on multiple fronts.

    You have the person and the tension standing juxtaposed against the window (after three silent days) and so technically no less than actually (in this instance) you are a rockstar because you have the reflection of all this -in the window.

    And then, I think about that joyfulness and of a mind racing ahead, or a person just being inspired and, yes.

    Typically, to recognize a window you need light. Light reflects and so I you are in a place where you can see one window then the chances are that that light will go on and reflect, revealing another two. Those two, illuminate another four and this is how the mind works. Racing ahead or systematically with the firing of that gelatinous stuff.

    This is how a tissue would soak up water. This is how you might view the sun if you were lucky enough to have a view of the sun where it spread over the world, making light what was dark.

    It is dynamic but just this huge magnificent something that is happening in the smallest parts. (from abridgement to abridgement).

    I love how you say somewhat mindless, and how that relates back to in general, how that's casual and informal and yet if you think about what you said about the person eventually letting the poison out then it's quite scientific and cognitive too, it's both things actually, both aspects. Symmetry.

    To go from somewhat mindless and how all that previous up there ^ stuff going on- to pick out bacterial, that is just a wonderful wonderful transition. When you say bacterial it makes me think in negative terms, and not. not, because you had already placed me so well in the frame of mind of that minuteness of movement. not, because it doesn't seem like negative usage, and with a little more thought- bacterias are used in various ways for healing.

    Then, another shift again, and I guess because we are not doctors or because we are not the controllers of things, how this slips away from the cognitive and and becomes a movement that can be rationalized but you very much get the feeling that the narrator is absolutely not in control of it. I don't know, it's very hard to explain but easy to understand. It's like she is less in the process and therefore able to go with it.

    And, those two lines together, only vaguely kept together, as mist is. ugh. I go back to the Aly thing and it's so good, somehow it hurts.

    And all those lines together. I don't know three people who can write like that.

    Not that the others aren't great. No that elsewhere it is anywhere bad.

    But what the night air will out? or even lose the but. however, don't ask me, I'm not the buzz about town with that phrasing.

    If this were a small notebook would that be 3 pages?
    It's blooming excellent, makes you excited about writing. (reading too).
    | Posted on 2012-03-22 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Now that you've explained that phrase to me it doesn't seem unnatural at all, I imagine, too, that I've heard it but it's definitely not one I use or hear bandied about by the guys at work.

    against the window or in general
    the world of windows

    somewhat mindless,
    bacterial

    only vaguely kept together
    as mist is

    I could write a 3 page essay on what I like about this bit.
    | Posted on 2012-03-21 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      The only place I stumble at is 'will out' i like the way my head wants to connect that with 'even' like even out. But, it seems like you missed putting some words in there or some vital punctuation.

    I do require that the close of the poem is happier, when I was reading the 'letter to myself poem' it was a bit of a conundrum: brilliance and bland tone, and i don't mean that in a negative way about either you or the writing, just that it seems odd, like if your writing was some beautiful girl, never smiling, never weeping, and sometimes both.

    I like the beginning in italics and it fits, the sections, they are almost meditative or something, like a person has indeed spent x amount of time thinking about.... and these were the images they chose, illuminating, precise.

    And there's a softness too.

    Anyway, this is a lot more than I wanted to say and a lot less than I want to say but I have to go off and spend a ridiculous amount of hours at work.

    You're very exact. It's like looking at a leaf cell through a microscope, and somehow I admire that closeness.
    | Posted on 2012-03-20 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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