Description: Bush poets of NSW, Australia, write in this tradition; and I justy love it. For a start, you get rid of all the literary snobs who think rhyming is redneck. Well it is I suppose, but I mean, well, ah buggerit anyway.
A tropical night -------------------------------------------
"Night is for many stars, daytime for one:
"What do you wonder beneath the warm sun?
"What else do you wonder when darkness reveals
"Its trillion far suns and the cold that it feels?
"How many suns warm other wondering eyes
"As their eyes and yours search the wonderful skies?"
So went a story my mother told me
Of how warm we can feel but how far we can see
While we stood on the beach after sunset, and seas
From the ocean's unknown reached the scent of the trees
With a roar and a hiss on the reef, at our feet,
And the tropical stars blazed down, thousands then more,
Bright and silent far over our muttering shore.
That night I was diving - deep in a dream -
Where the sea hid the sun, and below was a gleam
Like a scatter of stars in the black of the deep
Where discovery is death and a dreamer could sleep.
I wondered and wondered, then swam up for love,
Waking in bed with the stars safe above.
This poem is very deep. This coming from some one who likes to claim himself to be "deep" himself.
I love how it goes from something of a riddle to a story and then to a dream. The imagery, rhyming, and depth (as stated above) were flawless as usual, however, the last two lines stood out like a a piece of coal in a a row of diamonds. I say that that, and it makes it sounds worse then it really is though.
What I mean about these last two lines is, it was like you rushed on the wrap up idea of this poem. It does distract from the awe and the whole concept of the poem.
By the way, you wrote about stars again. Even with the last two lines sticking out to me the way they did, this has been my favorite write I've read in a long time, and I'm going to favorite it!
What a wonderful submission!
It's a bedtime story, a reminiscense, and a vivid dream diary all in one!
I loved the imagery and underlying moral here...and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece.
Thank you for sharing it!
I do have one minor quibble, though...
I keep tripping over:
From the ocean's unknown"
the ocean's unknown what?
or is it the seas that are unknown?
First off, rhyming is not red neck :) I happen to enjoy it...and if you ask me, you have to be a little more clever to write with a rhyme. Let's face it, there are fewer words to choose from to get your point across! Anyway, as someone once told me, you get extra points for rhyming.
"That night I was diving - deep in a dream -"
Genius! I love how you compared the dream state to diving in the ocean...quite a fair comparison.
How often do we look up at the night sky and wonder just who might be looking back? Maybe, someday, we'll all get the chance to wander the stars...but when you do, be sure to pack a lunch: I hear it's a long trip!