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    dots Submission Name: NaPoWriMo 5--9dots

    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1105
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1796

       NaPoWriMo 2012: Sharper Still

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots NaPoWriMo 5--9dots

    April 5th, 2012

    It was the unearthing of everything.
    The wind was bestial
    and hungry,
    it stripped away.

    I left the window open.

    It meant nothing.
    It meant nothing at all.

    April 6th, 2012

    There is nothing left
    to be said so we
    say it.

    the birds and beetles
    eat each other.

    April 7th, 2012

    When outgrowing yourself,
    as hermit crabs do,
    go down to the waterfront.
    Find your new place, call it
    precious, make it true
    by speaking.

    So it is with all things. I love,
    I hate, there is an un-tame boar
    in my head. I have flown widely
    and seen the world to be kind.

    Make it true. Construct
    your new place, say
    you found it.

    April 8th, 2012

    The cats around here
    pretend to be tame, eat
    from the hand then
    go for the face.

    Each year, the cycles of
    man and cat. What the winter overlooks
    we kill with poison but spring comes
    and they find a way.

    After seven days of domestication,
    God returned to his feral wildness.
    He roamed the land, His mouth
    full of blood. The winter
    could not grip Him and we
    didnít yet have large-predator guns.

    We called our fear worship
    and hid our faces.

    April 9th, 2012

    Out into the sun
    to let something green
    take root in my mouth. This isnít
    about poetry, only some sort of
    photosynthesis, as necessary
    and dear as love.

    Submitted on 2012-04-09 18:07:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this poem because it is blunt, in a lot of ways it thinks - the way I think - one thought being as a segue to the next, or one point in that thought tripping a connection to another. To me that is logical.

    A few thoughts. I hope you have another site, you use frequently, where people give you comments.

    I found one, but the trouble with that is - you spend so much time responding to comments or making comments on people's originals & *revisions that you don't actually get a lot of time for writing. I have pretty much no time for writing, that is all I want to do. Conclusion is, I think I prefer the silence.

    Thoughts on a few sections of your poem, as far as directness goes. Or- potential for potentiality...

    April 5th, 2012

    It was the unearthing of everything.
    The wind was bestial.
    and -hungry.
    it stripped away.

    I don't know if i even like the look of the variation presented, I do like the consequence of those static points though since they provide- the seeming and: the outcome.

    I left the window open.

    It meant nothing.
    It meant nothing at all.

    I would leave out the second 'it meant'
    Six of one, half a dozen of the other but, I like a crisp brevity to the sardonic and in this instance I think that helps you.

    April 6th, 2012

    There is nothing left
    we could say and so we
    say it.

    the birds and beetles
    devour each other.

    Again, I don't know if 'devour' is any better than 'eat'
    both things are succinct. The way you have it sort of supports the simplicity of getting on with the job. As I have it the birds and the beetles make an extended point by devouring each other. The good thing about a good poem is that all the way along there are minute little choices like that. I like that you have that here.

    April 7th, 2012

    When outgrowing yourself,
    as hermit crabs do,
    go down to the waterfront.
    Find yourself a new place, call it
    precious, make a truth of it
    by speaking.

    I fiddled with it a bit, sure.....
    What I love about this section is the placement of 'do'
    'go down to the waterfront'

    to me that's saying hermit crabs.....
    do go down to the waterfront.

    I like the casualness of that second interp and how that is a bit sarcastic or mocking or sardonic.

    and then, how that enjambs into the next line of thought. 'So it is with all things. I love,
    I hate, there is an un-tame boar
    inside my head.'

    that part was just beautiful.

    Anyway, it occurred to me you made an attempt at communication on my page and I thought I should come along and make the effort not to be silent.

    This poem, is excellent. It's like going through Te Papa in New Zealand, the museum of art and history, you want to look at everything, learn about everything and hold everything up.
    | Posted on 2012-04-29 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, it's not that far off from my own take on Yogurt. It's live, it's in your mouth.
    | Posted on 2012-04-11 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice stuff. The cat thing... fear, yes that is it.
    | Posted on 2012-04-09 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]

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