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    dots Submission Name: The Monster(s)dots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/380
    Words: 564
    Class/Type: Rant/Serious
    Total Views: 499
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4019

       I'm not sure what provoked this post but there it is, hate it - love it - like it - don't like it - not sure... ?

    tell me why???

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Monster(s)dots

    For years I suffered in silence, from a young age I learned no one but myself would take care of me,
    Most of my childhood nights were filled with tears, silent screams, and night terrors
    For a monster lived right down the hall from me...
    Mom, knew all about his monstrous acts
    However, this meant very little if anything to her
    For the sexual abuse I felt forced to be “okay” with
    She in return received her material objects
    Money she never had to work for
    Drugs and alcohol

    Four years of my childhood, stripped from me by my own Mother
    I saw, in her eyes how I meant nothing to her when I cried out for her to make him stop
    She never stopped him; she never helped me; her one and only daughter

    Nothing but a pawn on a chess board I was to her,
    Just another route taken, to achieve the things she felt she deserved!

    18 years of age,
    I left the house in which my darkest moments exists
    No longer did I have a Monster live down the hall

    19 years of age,
    I made the decision to put that Monster, where he belonged — behind bars
    Recreational use of narcotics became a full fledge addiction to opiates
    Soon I found myself using heroin, the high stronger, as was the withdrawal’s!

    20 years of age,
    The day marked a year anniversary of his imprisonment, going through extreme heroin withdrawals
    I decide, it is my time to go
    Placing the 12 gauge on my lap
    Reliving my childhood, reliving the abuse, remembering his nasty hands all over me…
    I pull the trigger

    21 years of age,
    I meet my biological father for the first time in many years
    Build on a relationship, make up for lost time
    Landed a job at a gas station

    22 years of age,
    Decided college would be a good idea
    Dedicated to making my life better, and not allowing my past to control me as it had been
    Full time employment, Full time college student

    23 years old now,
    No longer that naïve 12 year old girl, who put on a smile and ignored the pain
    No, long that tough little thing who would go up against anything and anyone!

    23 years old now,
    Still I awaken from night terrors,
    Doctors say I show signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, (just a bunch of words made to seem important)
    However, No longer am I an opiate addict!
    Depression is still very much there, although nothing like it was 20 years of age

    A constant battle I fight
    Day in,
    Day out,
    Always shuffling these feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, and emptiness
    Forcing myself to believe I am beautiful,
    Men can and one day a Man will love me for “me”

    Each day I fight,
    I fight to live a life better than that of my own parents,
    I fight to not fall back into unhealthy habits

    I fight.. for my own independence

    Submitted on 2012-04-16 06:48:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Keep fighting. It gets better.
    | Posted on 2012-04-22 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Gee, that was beautiful. Head on critter!

    | Posted on 2012-04-16 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]

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