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    dots Submission Name: Four Yearsdots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/623/381
    Words: 740
    Class/Type: Rant/Serious
    Total Views: 517
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5133

       I donno.. I hate how it came out.. but Its about my life.. can't deny that... as much as I want to

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFour Yearsdots

    My heart withered up and died that day over two years ago
    When we went our separate ways
    Never has a day or a night passed me by without at the very least a thought of you
    Almost 4 years of my young adult life I spent with you

    We had seen our share of heartache
    I allowed you into my world, that of my childhood
    A world that was full of lies, of deceit, and most of all betrayal
    Sexual abuse at the hands of my step-father and neglect from my mother was only the tip of the ice burg

    You were the man by my side threw all the nightmares, and all the night terrors
    You held me as I put him where he so rightfully belonged
    As you wiped my tears

    However, we had yet to see the worst, little did we know;
    Our recreational use of narcotics became a full fledge opiates addiction
    Before we knew it both of us were heroin addicts
    Our addiction lasted that of two years, two years too many
    Throughout those two years we too became bitter, angry, deceitful people
    Toward one another and others we cared for.

    Although my body was speaking to us both…
    Showing us signs that we cannot continue down this path... We still did for quite some time
    My breathing would become shallow; my eyes would roll far back into my head;
    I would continually turn a darker shade of purple.
    Constantly over dosing yet somehow I came out each and every time with no obvious brain damage

    Soon the inevitable happened…
    The night marked a year anniversary since I put my step-father and abuser in prison
    I grabbed the 12 gauge shot gun and place it on my lap
    For almost an hour I relieved the events of my ridicules life as I played with the safety
    Finally I decided if I am meant to die (which I had hoped) then it will happen
    If I am not meant to die, then it will not
    A loud blast I am momentarily deaf
    You run to me, confused and unaware of what I have done.
    I see your mouth moving, however I cannot hear you
    Soon I slump down to the floor
    My hearing is back, you are crying out WHY? WHY?
    Telling me how much you love me, begging me to hold on the medics are on their way.
    I make it out of my suicide attempt relatively unharmed considering

    We find ourselves in Colorado and also soon to be end of our long journey together
    Ultimately, after three months in Colorado I choose to leave and I ended up leaving without you
    I left the one and only man who ever loved me for me thousands of miles away from our home state Ohio.
    I gave you my heart, which has always been with you.

    I was going back to the unknown-
    I had nothing of value-
    I only owned the few outfits that were shoved violently into my suitcase
    I was about to walk my own path,
    In my own way,
    And on my own

    I had no idea the extent of my challenges I soon faced
    of recovery,
    of acceptance for the kind of childhood I had to endure,
    acceptance for my soiled suicide attempt,
    Most of all acceptance that once an addict always an addict
    Now I fight to stay away from my depression which led to me that almost fateful night
    I fight with everything I have to not just walk away from it all and go back
    Go back, to that cloud nine I was on for essentially two years of my young life
    I battle to stay me and believe I have valuable attributes
    Not all men are like that of my step-father

    I just am constantly… Fighting for my life… And meaning of this life

    Submitted on 2012-04-25 15:38:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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