“What am I going to tell my daughters?”
“When they ask me how daddy purposed what am I going to say??!!”
This thought ran through my head as you went to purpose.
This was not the moment, this was not how it was supposed to play out…this was not what I had written…in my head.
I wanted to have a beautiful story to tell my children, even though I didn’t want kids.
Rational? Maybe not, but I was so certain at the time.
Then one day I realized, through the whole dating – engagement – buying a house together – planning the wedding-bridal showers, I had not once felt truly happy about any of them, I had not once had the surge of excitement, they were all just “Ok” or “ran smoothly”.
I was sabotaging myself, it wasn’t that I wanted some beautiful story that I could share and things were turning out horrid.
It was that I had a beautiful story already made up in my head and things were not following my premade script.
It did not come all at once, no, it was still something I fought against, but the thing was, everything was perfect. My man, , my bridal showers, the house we bought, the wedding plans, they were full of happiness and love, but I couldn’t see that because I was focusing on how far they strayed from a story I had written in my head with every Disney movie I watched as a child.
When I saw this clearly, I was able to let go, to let go of the story, to let go of my preconceived notions, to relax into life and love and not rush through moments. To just enjoy them for what they were, part of a beautiful tapestry that was my life, my love story, my future and my right now.
I felt like I had been living the past few years like the little boy with the magical string, when a moment was happening that wasn’t like I had “planned” I would rush through it, almost going on auto pilot and trying to make sure that as the moment was happening, I would not remember it.
How much of my life had I glossed over to not feel the moment that didn’t live up to my standards?
How much beauty and magic and peace and love had I missed because I was comparing everything…to something that wasn’t even real?
No more, because this moment, IS my life.