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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: More Coffee?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Latin King
    ASL Info:    31/M/Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 104/232/145
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 961



    Description:
       Reminiscent this morning. Cloudy drinking coffee in Los Angeles, beautiful writing weather.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMore Coffee?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember my childhood
    and the many adventures vanished,
    Would give it all I wish I could
    Just to hold on to those moments,
    Tighter than any harness.
    Confused times have me longing
    For fallen heroes,
    Reality bells keep ringing
    and now I find myself paranoid,
    With the loud caws of crows.

    Many times I passed the same store
    In which I used to buy candy from,
    Plenty of junk food just for my galore
    Yet the old store owner died,
    He always used to come in handy.
    They used to offer me, tender drinks
    and repeatedly said "Stay in school."
    I know all of life struggles are linked,
    Yet a man who lives free
    Follows only an extent of the rules.

    Yet as I sit alone at this table,
    Smiling gladly,
    All of those memories evaporate
    To the words:
    "More Coffee?"




    Submitted on 2012-05-11 10:04:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I don't doubt you have a great english, but the way this poem is laid out leaves much to be desired in that department. The complaint usually follows the string of reasoning that if the mistakes take attention away from the proposed message of the piece, then they're sufficiently terrible to warrant corrections and modifications. And I do believe that's the case, simply because as a reader of the enlgish language, I've adapted my mind to certain rules - seeing them blatantly broken is what then distracts me. I will point out the two kind of mistakes...

    Not so serious
    "adventures [now] gone"
    Serious
    For just a bit long[er]
    Not so serious
    past time heroes
    [this one I only highlight because it actually confused me. You either mean pass time heroes, or previous/ulterior or any other such synonym which doesn't sound so awkward]
    Serious
    Reality['s] bells

    Etc. I think you get the idea by now. It really doesn't hurt to edit yourself before posting, especially if you know yourself to be the kind of writer to make these types of mistakes. It's not a bad thing, it just means that to achieve that higher quality of writing you need to add an extra step of editing before submitting pieces.
    | Posted on 2012-05-12 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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