Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: More Coffee?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Latin King
    ASL Info:    31/M/Los Angeles
    Elite Ratio:    2.39 - 104/232/145
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 537
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 961



    Description:
       Reminiscent this morning. Cloudy drinking coffee in Los Angeles, beautiful writing weather.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMore Coffee?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember my childhood
    and the many adventures vanished,
    Would give it all I wish I could
    Just to hold on to those moments,
    Tighter than any harness.
    Confused times have me longing
    For fallen heroes,
    Reality bells keep ringing
    and now I find myself paranoid,
    With the loud caws of crows.

    Many times I passed the same store
    In which I used to buy candy from,
    Plenty of junk food just for my galore
    Yet the old store owner died,
    He always used to come in handy.
    They used to offer me, tender drinks
    and repeatedly said "Stay in school."
    I know all of life struggles are linked,
    Yet a man who lives free
    Follows only an extent of the rules.

    Yet as I sit alone at this table,
    Smiling gladly,
    All of those memories evaporate
    To the words:
    "More Coffee?"




    Submitted on 2012-05-11 10:04:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't doubt you have a great english, but the way this poem is laid out leaves much to be desired in that department. The complaint usually follows the string of reasoning that if the mistakes take attention away from the proposed message of the piece, then they're sufficiently terrible to warrant corrections and modifications. And I do believe that's the case, simply because as a reader of the enlgish language, I've adapted my mind to certain rules - seeing them blatantly broken is what then distracts me. I will point out the two kind of mistakes...

    Not so serious
    "adventures [now] gone"
    Serious
    For just a bit long[er]
    Not so serious
    past time heroes
    [this one I only highlight because it actually confused me. You either mean pass time heroes, or previous/ulterior or any other such synonym which doesn't sound so awkward]
    Serious
    Reality['s] bells

    Etc. I think you get the idea by now. It really doesn't hurt to edit yourself before posting, especially if you know yourself to be the kind of writer to make these types of mistakes. It's not a bad thing, it just means that to achieve that higher quality of writing you need to add an extra step of editing before submitting pieces.
    | Posted on 2012-05-12 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    195098

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The World written by jjd
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry