Lately having way too much idol time,
Idol time is the devils play time
, and he is running ramped in my mind.
Stirring up feelings and emotions that will only create a loud bang as we both know oh too well.
I know I need help; I need someone to talk to.
I am desperate to make it, but I'm also ready and more than willing to just say fuck it.
I am so tired of these feelings.
Never will I be enough for my family, never am I good enough.
I will only ever be known as the disappointment, the let-down of the family.
Everyone turns their noses up at me, as if they are better than me.
And although I know we are all equal deep down I am no better than the dirt on these peoples shoes.
I ache for the happiness I once felt,
I want so desperately to go back and not use any drugs.
I know now it was only enabling me from ever fully healing,
However living on cloud 9 even for only a few moments took all the weight off these shoulders.
I just want to go back and it hurts to know I never can.
Change the night I choose to pull the trigger before finding another solution,
Go back and scream
out for help until I found someone who cared enough to make him stop touching me.
I want to go back and change so many things but I cannot
Now I am left to sit in the left overs of my actions,
The scars I have left from that gun,
Or that underlying itch of wanting to get high, I am forced to wither away in this pathetic thing I call a life.
I doubt I'll make it to age 30 and if I do I'll probably be a drug addict
Can't see myself ever getting close to my goals it’s just not the path I am meant to be on.
I am meant and designed as a failure, I am the ultimate failure.
Look up the word and you'll find my name next to it!!
Never given a shot in hell and for some reason had I always fought what I truly knew and now am accepting?
I will never be of any significant use to anyone for any great length of time, I will always be "left overs"
I see where I stand in this god forsaken place we all call "Life",
I stand about an inch off the ground, only useful when nothing better comes around...
I am drowning
in this endless sea of sorrows,
I can only hope
I can make it out.