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    dots Submission Name: I Want...dots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/380
    Words: 453
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Trapped
    Total Views: 762
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3606

       Its long BUT please Its all I have to give.. To much to put into word to keep short and simple.. Oh how I wish things could be simple...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Want...dots

    Tired of thriving in only darkness
    Exhausted for always having forced myself and been forced down the “harder path”
    Nothing has ever been easy
    Doing my best to stay positive however, this is not working out for me

    I want to be a different woman than I am
    I want to be 12 years old & cry out to all those willing to listen,
    Have them; help me to make him stop hurting me

    Not speaking out and staying strong during those years of my childhood has drastically affected me
    Seems it only ever gets worse…
    I have had nightmares bad enough that I wake up in the middle of a panic attack
    I have scared others half to death from nightmares I don’t even remember

    I feel I will NEVER be WHOLE,
    I will never be okay with what I have done,
    What I allowed him to do to me by not speaking up.
    I am so ashamed of my past; of my choices of pulling that trigger
    I am so hurt that I am a statistic:
    "Children who are abused are more likely to turn to drugs to turn to self -harm."

    For so long I used my childhood as a tool
    Kept myself strong by muddling through the really bad days
    "You lived through the abuse you can make it through this day..."

    Somehow, somewhere I have lost this trait, in which I held onto so tightly!!
    And I need it back so badly.
    Because I am alone, I am hurting, and I have nothing to show for my past decisions
    Only scars that will forever remain a part of me and apart that of that almost fateful Christmas morning.

    I just want to stop wanting to go back in the past,

    I want to be happy with myself right here, right now.

    But I cannot be. I cannot be..

    It hurts to think I may never truly be happy.

    I may never be satisfied with the here and now

    Rather I will always look back and think about the
    what if's; the could be's; or the would have been's

    Submitted on 2012-05-21 07:12:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      A pursuit for happiness is surely not going to get you happiness. Only acceptance will. You should let go of the past. If you cling onto it, you will never be able to break free.

    Remember - If you are sad, it means you are thinking about the past. If you are worried, it means you are thinking about the future. If you are at peace with yourself, then you are in the present. It is simple to say this. But it is difficult to let go or not anticipate. This is why one should never let the kid within oneself die. For a kid knows to live in the present.

    | Posted on 2012-06-19 00:00:00 | by AbsolutelyLost | [ Reply to This ]
      it is good to write it out...and i think someday you will purge all these negative feelings for good....and you will be happy...there is a good life out there...and you will find it...

    don't lose hope. don't lose faith...

    there is a fighter in there, a survivor...and you will come through it all...

    what's that phrase?
    "wish i didn't know now what i didn't know then"

    | Posted on 2012-05-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      That's profound...i suppose that writing about one's regrets in life could be therapeudic.and perhaps offer a liitle bit of relief for having express that angst and agony one has absorbed after some pretty bad experiences in life. takes courage to speak of such horrors some of us human have suffered. -09
    | Posted on 2012-05-21 00:00:00 | by Damien Vladimir | [ Reply to This ]

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