Tired of thriving in only darkness
Exhausted for always having forced myself and been forced down the “harder path”
Nothing has ever been easy
Doing my best to stay positive however, this is not working out for me
I want to be a different woman than I am
I want to be 12 years old & cry out to all those willing to listen,
Have them; help me to make him stop hurting me
Not speaking out
and staying strong
during those years of my childhood has drastically affected me
Seems it only ever gets worse…
I have had nightmares
bad enough that I wake up
in the middle of a panic attack
I have scared others half to death from nightmares I don’t even remember
I feel I will NEVER
I will never be okay with what I have done,
What I allowed him to do to me by not speaking up.
I am so ashamed of my past;
of my choices of pulling that trigger
I am so hurt that I am a statistic:
"Children who are abused are more likely to turn to drugs to turn to self -harm."
For so long I used my childhood as a tool
Kept myself strong by muddling through the really bad days
"You lived through the abuse you can make it through this day..."
Somehow, somewhere I have lost this trait
, in which I held onto so tightly!!
And I need it back so badly.
Because I am alone, I am hurting,
and I have nothing to show for my past decisions
that will forever remain a part of me
that of that almost fateful
I just want to stop wanting to go back in the past,
I want to be happy with myself right here, right now.
But I cannot be. I cannot be..
It hurts to think I may never truly be happy.
I may never be satisfied with the here and now
Rather I will always look back and think about the
what if's; the could be's; or the would have been's