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    dots Submission Name: Altricial Speciesdots

    Author: AsiaticFox
    ASL Info:    28/M/A butterfly's dream
    Elite Ratio:    4.8 - 254/389/301
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 597
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 782


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    dotsAltricial Speciesdots

    From the day we are born
    to the day we die,
    we are all utterly helpless.
    We cannot direct our steps
    without falling out of the nest.

    Jehovah, please, take hold of us
    with your right hand.
    Our eyes are barely open;
    we cry out for food constantly.

    Those who say they do not need you
    are fooling themselves.
    Without your nourishment and warmth,
    we would cease to be.

    "Where is the One who fathered us?
    Why has He left us?"

    He has not left you.
    He is merely at the next tree,
    watching you, encouraging you.
    "You can fly! I would not have given you wings
    unless I meant for you to follow me and grow."

    Submitted on 2012-05-30 11:47:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I love that this is a religious poem. As spiritual as I am, I have never written one before. But Jehovah, by any other name, is steeped in fantastic awe and celebrated works - symbolized by raw powers and helpless creatures, all belonging to his name. So I feel like this should have a little more razzle dazzle, or if that's not your aim, a bit more of the personal touches to make this not just a poem about God, but a love letter to God, from you, with extra X's and O's. And I do adore the next tree bit. It's cute and truth and lovely to read. Let's make the rest of this just as lovely with a bit more you in the mix.
    | Posted on 2012-06-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it enough to fave it, which I don't do too often. I am not keen on the name "Jehovah" but only because I heard it was based on a mistranslation.
    | Posted on 2012-06-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, to be honest, to me it fell flat. Yes, it flows nicely, but in general it's such a collection of platitudes! The only line that really caught my eye is in the last stanza 'he's merely at the next tree', now that's smth unexpected! I wish only that the rest of the poem had been like that 1 line...
    | Posted on 2012-05-31 00:00:00 | by expiring_touch | [ Reply to This ]

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