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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    24/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 621/961/451
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 582
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641



    Description:
       


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    dotsThe Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Inside,
    Endless battles fighting to win,
    Fighting to win to see some form,
    Some form of justice.

    Like hornets,
    You flood around me,
    Wanting everything that I have,
    But I have nothing to give.

    You try repeatedly to aquire life I worked for,
    You work so hard at getting close to me,

    I'm tired of all of this,
    I'm tired of all of the retreating,
    I'm tired of giving you what you want.
    There are so many things that I don't have...

    I just want you to leave me alone,
    like you have before.




    Submitted on 2012-06-01 19:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think you're on a good path here - the hornets I feel you could do a lot more with. I've become a big believer in knowing when to showcase, and knowing when to let the honesty of the emotion lay bare. With the title, I expected to see more showcasing, more metaphor than the heartbreak laying like dehydrated grapes on the sale crates of the produce aisle: picked over endlessly, found wanting and forgotten. We give so much of ourselves to others, pieces we don't get back, pieces that don't grow back. It's why love is supposed to be fair, an exchange to fill in the voids and gaps. But it never is. You either are overflowing with gifts, or bereft of necessities, as this piece seems to imply. I sympathize with that quite acutely. But back to the work. Go back to the hornets and revisit imagery that stings like I'm sure striking bottom of your giving barrel did.
    | Posted on 2012-06-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Good title! This has a kind of "take charge" feeling which I view as positive. The hornets thing is a good metaphor. Sounds like some kind of psychic vampire is trying to such out something that you are all out of, fly away suckah!
    | Posted on 2012-06-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


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