Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    24/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 621/961/451
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 564
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Inside,
    Endless battles fighting to win,
    Fighting to win to see some form,
    Some form of justice.

    Like hornets,
    You flood around me,
    Wanting everything that I have,
    But I have nothing to give.

    You try repeatedly to aquire life I worked for,
    You work so hard at getting close to me,

    I'm tired of all of this,
    I'm tired of all of the retreating,
    I'm tired of giving you what you want.
    There are so many things that I don't have...

    I just want you to leave me alone,
    like you have before.




    Submitted on 2012-06-01 19:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you're on a good path here - the hornets I feel you could do a lot more with. I've become a big believer in knowing when to showcase, and knowing when to let the honesty of the emotion lay bare. With the title, I expected to see more showcasing, more metaphor than the heartbreak laying like dehydrated grapes on the sale crates of the produce aisle: picked over endlessly, found wanting and forgotten. We give so much of ourselves to others, pieces we don't get back, pieces that don't grow back. It's why love is supposed to be fair, an exchange to fill in the voids and gaps. But it never is. You either are overflowing with gifts, or bereft of necessities, as this piece seems to imply. I sympathize with that quite acutely. But back to the work. Go back to the hornets and revisit imagery that stings like I'm sure striking bottom of your giving barrel did.
    | Posted on 2012-06-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Good title! This has a kind of "take charge" feeling which I view as positive. The hornets thing is a good metaphor. Sounds like some kind of psychic vampire is trying to such out something that you are all out of, fly away suckah!
    | Posted on 2012-06-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    195270

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry