Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    24/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 622/961/452
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 632
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 641



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gift That Stopped Givingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Inside,
    Endless battles fighting to win,
    Fighting to win to see some form,
    Some form of justice.

    Like hornets,
    You flood around me,
    Wanting everything that I have,
    But I have nothing to give.

    You try repeatedly to aquire life I worked for,
    You work so hard at getting close to me,

    I'm tired of all of this,
    I'm tired of all of the retreating,
    I'm tired of giving you what you want.
    There are so many things that I don't have...

    I just want you to leave me alone,
    like you have before.




    Submitted on 2012-06-01 19:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think you're on a good path here - the hornets I feel you could do a lot more with. I've become a big believer in knowing when to showcase, and knowing when to let the honesty of the emotion lay bare. With the title, I expected to see more showcasing, more metaphor than the heartbreak laying like dehydrated grapes on the sale crates of the produce aisle: picked over endlessly, found wanting and forgotten. We give so much of ourselves to others, pieces we don't get back, pieces that don't grow back. It's why love is supposed to be fair, an exchange to fill in the voids and gaps. But it never is. You either are overflowing with gifts, or bereft of necessities, as this piece seems to imply. I sympathize with that quite acutely. But back to the work. Go back to the hornets and revisit imagery that stings like I'm sure striking bottom of your giving barrel did.
    | Posted on 2012-06-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Good title! This has a kind of "take charge" feeling which I view as positive. The hornets thing is a good metaphor. Sounds like some kind of psychic vampire is trying to such out something that you are all out of, fly away suckah!
    | Posted on 2012-06-01 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    195270

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Incubus written by monad
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Push written by JanePlane
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    new moon written by CrypticBard

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry