Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Copycatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 432
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 492



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCopycatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    new day, new effort.

    What rough a beast
    with slouching shoulders
    drags down my feet
    towards Gethsemane ?

    Can you not hear the stones
    fall down from my bed
    towards the orange sky,
    beguiling strangers
    hit, caress and break
    out the anguish?

    Quicksilver fills this opiate universe
    and tinkers softly its piano keys
    but I am deaf -
    snapped like a twig
    for firewood.




    Submitted on 2012-06-07 11:18:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't understand the title. Copycat in what way? I like the poem, though.

    I like the reference to the holy garden in Jerusalem. I like how you say "drags down". As if it is like being pulled toward some sort of hell--especially with the beast symbolism thrown in. The juxtaposition is tantalizing because it feels forbidden--wrong.

    Things that gave me pause:

    The use of the word "a" in the first line. I kept reading it without. It seems unnecessary.

    Maybe toward vs. towards? That hung me up. I know either is considered correct, but it seems to sound prettier without the "s" in this case. But that may just be the American in me!

    Maybe make "beguiling" into "beguile". It makes the stanza more active. And then maybe make the action more a progression by switching the order of "hit" and "caress". Something like:

    Can you not hear the stones
    fall down from my bed
    toward the orange sky?

    How they beguile strangers--
    caress, hit and break
    out the anguish?

    Also, in the last stanza, I found "quicksilver" a strange word choice. It is a liquid so I can't wrap my mind around the image of it filling the opiate universe--which seems a gaseous state. I know it also usually denotes something slipping through the fingers so it seems like it could be used here but in a different sense/way????

    "Tinkers" seems an odd word choice, too. It seems not to be denoting "fixing" something here but more a sound. I kept thinking "tinkling" but that still didn't satisfy me. It seemed too trivial somehow.

    Anyway, maybe I'm just not "getting it". That is often the case.

    I LOVE the last two lines, though. They are just so precise and such a stark image.

    Interesting write!

    Jane




    | Posted on 2012-06-19 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    195305

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    Linger written by saartha
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Incubus written by monad
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Bond written by saartha
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Wavelength written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry