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Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 70
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 810
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 492



new day, new effort.

What rough a beast
with slouching shoulders
drags down my feet
towards Gethsemane ?

Can you not hear the stones
fall down from my bed
towards the orange sky,
beguiling strangers
hit, caress and break
out the anguish?

Quicksilver fills this opiate universe
and tinkers softly its piano keys
but I am deaf -
snapped like a twig
for firewood.

Submitted on 2012-06-07 11:18:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I don't understand the title. Copycat in what way? I like the poem, though.

I like the reference to the holy garden in Jerusalem. I like how you say "drags down". As if it is like being pulled toward some sort of hell--especially with the beast symbolism thrown in. The juxtaposition is tantalizing because it feels forbidden--wrong.

Things that gave me pause:

The use of the word "a" in the first line. I kept reading it without. It seems unnecessary.

Maybe toward vs. towards? That hung me up. I know either is considered correct, but it seems to sound prettier without the "s" in this case. But that may just be the American in me!

Maybe make "beguiling" into "beguile". It makes the stanza more active. And then maybe make the action more a progression by switching the order of "hit" and "caress". Something like:

Can you not hear the stones
fall down from my bed
toward the orange sky?

How they beguile strangers--
caress, hit and break
out the anguish?

Also, in the last stanza, I found "quicksilver" a strange word choice. It is a liquid so I can't wrap my mind around the image of it filling the opiate universe--which seems a gaseous state. I know it also usually denotes something slipping through the fingers so it seems like it could be used here but in a different sense/way????

"Tinkers" seems an odd word choice, too. It seems not to be denoting "fixing" something here but more a sound. I kept thinking "tinkling" but that still didn't satisfy me. It seemed too trivial somehow.

Anyway, maybe I'm just not "getting it". That is often the case.

I LOVE the last two lines, though. They are just so precise and such a stark image.

Interesting write!


| Posted on 2012-06-19 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]

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