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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: It Kills Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Silima
    ASL Info:    21/F/Missouri, US
    Elite Ratio:    1.64 - 1/5/7
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 338
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 671



    Description:
       Old poetry again.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIt Kills Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every time I see you with her,
    It's another blade,
    Every time you touch her,
    It's another cut,
    Every time you kiss her,
    I go even deeper,
    Every time you say her name,
    I dream of death,
    Your killing me slowly,
    Without ever knowing,
    Your ripping my heart out piece by piece,
    You've watched me cry,
    But never known why,
    You've never heard my thoughts,
    You've never heard the words,
    I so long to tell you,
    So every time a thought of you,
    Enters my mind,
    I carve the story into myself,
    Praying it will one day kill me.




    Submitted on 2012-06-13 03:20:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really don't want to call it "meh" since that has negative connotations. But I do like the potential in this. The key of making this a "meh" poem into a good and potentially great poem is going more away from the literal. The poems turns with the line "I carve the story into myself." The literalness (yes, it's a word now!) of the references to self-mutilation and eventual suicide make this a poem about morbidity and violence instead of anguish. We can ALL relate to anguish, but not the pathology associated with self-mutilation. I no longer "feel" for you. I pity you. And not about the relationship, but about the underlying pathology. That's not what you want here. We should care about the inward distruction created by the heart break, not that I need to call psychiatric services. That makes the relationship immaterial. Don't get me wrong, I'm not downplaying your emotions, just be careful how you convey them and think about how they'll be interpretted. What do you want us to care about? Ask that question and make sure you address it. As is, I'm concerned about your general mental health.

    Solution: Stick with the metaphor. Then you can pray for a quick end! And we will identify with the emotion, not the violence.

    Keep writing... always.
    | Posted on 2012-06-13 00:00:00 | by _n3pt | [ Reply to This ]

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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